


Take Me To Paradise

by Freeza



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Drama, M/M, Past Abuse, Romance, Slice of Life, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-01 07:09:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11481258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freeza/pseuds/Freeza
Summary: Sehun finds his paradise in a lover and Luhan needs to lose faith in his own to see what really matters.“I believe in you …”“Me?”“Yes, you,” Sehun bent down a little to kiss the other on his lips. “I was so afraid that you would leave me after what I told you, that you wouldn't be able to handle it … yet still you are here. You have been here all along …”





	1. What Is Paradise?

 

**Genre:** AU, Romance, Angst, Slice of Life, Fluff, Highschool / College  
 **Warning:** smut, anti-religious themes, past!abuse, rimming  
 **Disclaimer:** I don't own the boys or the used pictures, but the storyline and cover edit is mine. Please do not plagiarize. Do not re-upload or translate without my permission.

**A/N:** Hello, everyone! ^-^ This was my entry for Selubration Round 5. And well, I am actually not sure about this story, because it is dealing with a few very difficult topics, but I hope I did them justice. I tried my best (even though I had to shorten some parts because I didn't have enough time anymore). I wrote this story for the following Selubration prompt:

_My church offers no absolutes_   
_She tells me, “Worship in the bedroom.”_   
_The only heaven I’ll be sent to_   
_Is when I’m alone with you_   
_I was born sick_   
_But I love it_   
_\- Hozier, Take Me To Church_

I hope you can enjoy it and can forgive me some mistakes that may be still left even though I checked and got it checked a hundred times. (If you find some, tell me, so I can fix it.) At this point I would also like to thank my awesome beta who helped me a lot with my language even though I had such a non-existent time management and writing schedule. T_T And thanks to hoe-sehoon for supporting this story so much and helping me with my content questions.

I made a playlist for the soundtrack to this fanfiction. You can listen to it [HERE](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDmijc22emQjEfm6J55J0F3rrdw0PPsbW).

 

 

~

 

 

**I. WHAT IS PARADISE?**

 

_What is paradise?_

Like with so many other concepts, people happen to have very different ideas about this rather obscure and subjective idea. Though it is generally considered a place or state of pure happiness and joy far from all worries and troubles, different people may also have different perceptions.

But overall these perceptions can be separated into two big groups.

Considering one group … Well, nobody could ever proof that paradise exists. However, many people choose to believe in it. They need this idea for comfort and hope that one day – _one day_ – their faith will prove to be well-placed.

The other group has a perception that revolves around the idea that a paradise can be something very realistic, something that you can achieve within your lifetime. It is commonly connected to values like love, friendship and kindness – but these may vary as well.

To emphasize this discrepancy, let's look at Luhan and Sehun as examples.

 

~

 

Luhan is part of the first group. He sincerely believes that being kind, generous and … simply a _good person_ is the way to reach paradise in the afterlife. He's a Christian, so in this case the word _heaven_ may also apply. This mindset didn't come up on its own – he obviously has his reasons to think so. First of all, he was raised into this belief. His parents are devout church-goers, so naturally he would be, too.

But aside from that, Luhan really thought the concept through for himself as well. He is thoroughly convinced that his way of living and believing is the right thing to do. Responsible for this is an unfortunate encounter during his time in elementary school, which culminated in his irrevocable faith.

To him, God is always there, like a protective halo surrounding him, his family, his friends – generally everyone that he was fond of – and also everyone that he deems as good and deserving. Luhan knew that he wasn't in the position to judge people over who was actually deserving or not but well, he was still a child when it happened and he probably couldn't comprehend the situation and his own feelings fully back then. This infamous event took place when he was in fourth grade. He had volunteered to help out the students of the theater group with the preparations for their play in a few days since some of his friends were involved, and it was always nice to spend time with them anyway. After the work was done, he left the school building later than usual.

That was when he heard a familiar voice crying for help. He didn't even hesitate and immediately ran in the direction of the screams.

There he saw two tall bullies from the grade above punching his friend Jongin – who was already lying on the ground – repeatedly in the face. The poor boy shouted again that someone should help him please.

Luhan grew so angry in the matter of seconds that he didn't even think about the consequences when he ran forward to push the assholes from his friend at full tilt.

“Leave him alone!” He had roared and helped Jongin scurry behind him. At that time the latter had been a lot smaller than Luhan and thankfully cowered behind the back of his savior.

The bullies, startled for a moment, instantly went furious again and spat at Luhan's feet.

“And there we have our next volunteer!” One of them snarled after they had gotten back on their feet. Threateningly, they stepped closer to Luhan.

The boy felt Jongin shivering and sobbing behind him, but he didn't step away or back down. He was not afraid. Since he was sent to school almost a year later than other children his age, he could keep up very well with the fifth graders and often towered over his friends from the same grade.

The bully who seemed to be the boss stood face to face with Luhan and twisted his face into an angry grimace.

“Leave him alone!” Luhan hissed again and squinted his eyes.

_Blam!_ There went the fist into his stomach and Luhan couldn't breathe for a second. When he had collected himself he screamed in rage and punched the bully right back in the face.

Chaos ensued.

Luhan was trying to defend himself against the two attackers. While he managed to land some good punches, he got hit in the face a few times so that he quickly got dizzy and started to lose his orientation.

“Luhan! Look out!” Jongin's shrill voice cut through the dazedness and Luhan dodged a punch that probably would have knocked him out. He swiftly kicked the boss in the shin and the other one got his arm twisted around painfully until he let out a short scream.

Luhan didn't waste any time and grabbed Jongin's wrist to drag him away before the bullies could get up again. “Come!” he huffed.

They ran over the school yard together and didn't stop until they reached the street that they both lived on. Jongin's home was situated right next to Luhan's so naturally they had always known each other and had been the “ _bestest friends”,_ as Jongin liked to say.

“You look awful, Luhan!” Jongin noted when they examined the damage done to their faces for the first time.

“You too,” Luhan replied. “My mother will flip everything when she sees me like this …” He sighed.

“I hope mine doesn't,” Jongin said warily. “Good luck to you. And thank you.” He dropped his gaze to the ground.

Luhan's lips stretched into a grin. “You don't have to thank me. You're my friend, Jongin. I would do it again anytime.”

“Thank you,” the younger muttered again and smiled weakly.

“Don't let them get to you!” Luhan smiled and ruffled Jongin's hair. “Now go home, while I try not to be eaten alive.”

 

Unfortunately though, that was almost what happened.

Luhan's mother was enraged when she spotted his black eye, cut lip and bleeding nose. How dare her impeccable son indulge in something as churlish as brawling? She shouted at Luhan that he should be ashamed of himself. This wasn't how she taught him to behave. This wasn't how _the church_ taught him to behave.

Angrily, Luhan escaped to his room and stared at the cross hanging above his bed. He did that a lot when he couldn't cope with overwhelming emotions.

“She's wrong,” he mumbled grimly. “I didn't even have the chance to tell her what actually happened. Those bullies deserved to get their butts kicked. They have been trying to get to Jongin a few times before and now they actually dared to punch him even though they had two people. And were older. And stronger. And taller. It's not fair. They deserved it. I mean … I'm right, aren't I?” Luhan stared at the cross questioningly.

He sent a short prayer to heaven and asked God for forgiveness for acting so violent and pleaded to banish those bullies from his and Jongin's life. And also that his mother may understand.

Not even an hour had passed before his prayers started coming true.

His mother silently knocked on his door and stepped in to apologize to him. She explained that Jongin's mom just came over to thank Luhan for helping Jongin. Then the boy got hugged by her and praised for being so brave and courageous.

Two days later Luhan heard that the two bullies apparently got expelled from school for attacking a younger student so deviously. He felt so relieved hearing these news – and so did Jongin.

At that moment Luhan was convinced that he had been right and that God really must have forgiven him – if there ever had been anything that needed to be forgiven in the first place.

 

Through this event and its consequences, Luhan established two very important things.

One, the reputation of being a great friend. He would defend and stand up for everyone who was close to him, help those who needed it and punish the ones who deserved it.

And two, his conviction with the fact that there had to be a loving and just God who cared about the weak and good people, and punished those who decided to inflict harm on them. Nobody would receive something they didn't deserve. Good people would go to heaven, bad people to hell or, at least, needed to suffer for a long time to make up for their wrongdoings.

Even now, at the age of nineteen, Luhan is still sure that he is on the right side. He is one of the good people. And he wants to continue that path for the rest of his life. He will act like he learned it from the God whom he loves so much and who seems to love him so much in return as well. He will continue to help and stand up for those who needed it and will continue to fight against those who want to do evil.

And one day – _one day_ – Luhan will get to see the paradise.

 

~

 

Sehun on the other hand has very different ideas. He is part of the second group.

He doesn't believe in an afterlife or a paradise that would fall into this category. The reason is that he doesn't believe in God.

Even though he comes from a devout Christian family as well, he was forced to realize very early in his life that God doesn't exist. And if he exists, he most certainly doesn't love Sehun. Or he doesn't care, at least. Thus, anything connected to the idea of God or any religion that works this way is automatically as absurd to him as the existence of God himself.

Sehun often comes across people who can't imagine how it is possible for him to live without something like the belief in a higher power. They ask him if he doesn’t feel helpless like this, if he doesn’t lack orientation. They claim it is just a phase, that he is too young to understand it, that one day he will feel the need for God to come and help him. They claim that faith has the power to be tremendously helpful and supportive if he ever were to get caught in a desperate situation.

However, Sehun had been caught in one too many desperate situations to buy into anything of the contradicting babble anymore. Despite being only eighteen years old, he had already lived through more than most people would ever in their lives. He didn't need anyone to tell him that he was just immature and indecisive, that he lacked experience.

And concerning the helplessness… Sehun had never felt more helpless than when he looked back at all the things he was forced to go through with the thought of a so-called loving God in mind. Thus, he preferred to cross that last point out of the equation completely. Life was so much easier for him to handle like that.

But did that mean that Sehun was heartless? _No._

He loved and valued his family and everyone who had been helpful to him along the way.

Did it mean he was unfair and unjust? _Also no._

It was just that he had accepted the fact, that life itself wasn't fair and just. Good things happened to bad people, bad things happened to good people. Life didn't care whether you deserved something or not – it just happened.

Did it mean that he had no hope and will to live? _Definitely not._

His will to live was greater than anything else. Because he knew that death would be the end.

 

But did he think that something like a paradise could exist in this life?

Yes.

_Yes, he did._

 

 

~

 

 

**A/N:** I hope you liked this chapter. ^^

~ Freeza :D


	2. The Gospel Choir

 

 

~

 

 

**II. THE GOSPEL CHOIR**   


 

Luhan and Sehun's first meeting was rather cliché.

 

It was the beginning of Luhan's senior year. To him that meant spending one last year together with his friends, having fun, enjoying his youth, but also learning a lot. Finals were right ahead and he had big plans. He definitely wanted to enter one of the SKY-Universities next year.

It also meant that the freshmen started again and it would be fun to lead them around the school and show them all the places. Not that there were many.

Luhan lived in a small, sleepy town where people all seemed to know each other – a deeply religious community. Thus, the local high school wasn't that big either and offered only few and barely exciting extracurricular activities. But this couldn't keep Luhan from enjoying his life.

 _Because why wouldn't he?_ He had many good friends, some of them _very_ good. His family lived in a nice house, his parents loved him, he was popular, the teachers thought highly of him and he had good grades. At school he got to play soccer for the school's team and he was also part of the gospel choir. A few years ago he had discovered that he really enjoyed singing, and combining it with something that his congregation could profit from – _why not?!_ So altogether, Luhan's life was fine. More than fine, in fact. There wasn't a thing that was actually worth complaining about.

 

Luhan sat in his first class for the day, carefully readjusting his tie while waiting for his math teacher to arrive. Mrs Nam wasn't exactly fond of students who dared to wear their uniforms carelessly.

Jongin next to him groaned. “I'm so not in the mood for math right now!”

“Don't worry. Me neither.”

“And why does it have to be _her_ again? Why can't we get Mr Baek from the other course, too?”

Luhan sighed. The only real downside of going to such a small school, as far as Luhan could tell, was that you were bound to have every teacher more than once, including the ones that you didn't like. “She's taking a long time today. Isn't she always super punctual?” He stared at the clock. Five minutes late.

Finally the door opened and the old lady walked in with rigid steps, followed by what appeared to be the reason for her delay. It turned out to be a tall and lanky student that Luhan had never seen at this school before, and he knew basically everyone.

“Good morning, class!” The teacher greeted. “Before we start with anything else, this is a new student here at our school. He will finish the senior year here together with you. He just moved, so please welcome him and help him out, okay?”

Some students nodded, Luhan being one of them. Others just stared at the newbie with blatant curiosity.

“Could you maybe introduce yourself?” Mrs Nam asked him.

“Hello, my name is Oh Sehun,” he began with a soft, almost shy voice that seemed to contradict his outstanding sharp and serious-looking features. “I'm eighteen years old. I moved here from Busan together with my family because my mother got a new job as a teacher at the elementary school. I hope we'll get along well.” He bowed and elegantly slid towards the only free table in the last row.

 _So, he's a year younger, too …_ Luhan wasn't surprised. He always had been the oldest in his grade. However, it still seemed a little strange because this Sehun guy simply looked older than many others in this course – including Luhan himself.

Luhan couldn't help but to turn around and glance at the newcomer. Sure, a whole bunch of freshman started today too, but he knew all of them already. It didn't happen very often that someone moved to this town, so everyone who did was automatically a person of interest.

Sehun had broad shoulders and his countenance displayed constant boredom. He diligently noted what the teacher said but didn't seem all too impressed overall. Luhan couldn't blame him. If the guy moved here from Busan he was probably used to more … _action_. Luhan also noticed the fashionably styled black hair and how the top button of his shirt was unbuttoned. He was surprised that Mrs Nam hadn't said anything about it.

Oh Sehun gave off an odd vibe that Luhan couldn't pin-point. But the latter knew instantly that there was something different about this boy. There was some sort of aura surrounding the latter that was close to a bad-boy image but not quite. Instead something more brooding, something more secretive, something more sincere took its place.

All the while Sehun of course noticed how the students' eyes had penetrated him to a degree that he started feeling uncomfortable. But one pair of eyes in particular … the boy with the brown, fluffy mop of hair on his head a few rows in front of him … He turned around a tad too often even after the teacher started her lesson and the other students were back to concentrating. Sehun thought that this boy probably didn't realize how rude it was to stare at him so openly.

It made him feel exposed. He didn't like it.

 

However, as uneventful as their first encounter had been, their second one wasn't.

 

~

 

After his boring first lesson Sehun was on the way to his newly assigned locker, deep in thought.

He missed his old school already. He missed the friends that he managed to make over the last few years. He missed how free and unobtrusive the big city was. He had always had been able to easily and comfortably live his life.

But he also knew that there wasn't any other way. He could not possibly expect his mom or dad to drive a total of six hours back and forth every time he had to do another check-up. This place was so much closer to the clinic and his mom even found a job here. Obviously the choice had been made at that point already.

However, even though he knew of the advantages of the small town, he still couldn't help but begin to despise it. It had already started when he saw the advertisements in front of the local church for weekly Sunday worship on his way to town in the car. At that point he had already known that he, of all people, just had to end up in _that_ sort of town.

Sehun just hoped that he would able to live on peacefully and that people at least allowed others some privacy.

 

He stocked his books in his locker and pulled out the ones for his next lesson – Biology.

When he closed the door, a certain mop of brown hair suddenly popped up next to him and Sehun flinched in surprise.

“Oh, sorry!” the other boy said and grinned. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

“It's okay …” Sehun muttered.

“Well … Hello! I'm Luhan,” the older introduced himself pleasantly. “I am in your Math class …”

“Yes, I saw you …” Sehun mumbled. “You were staring at me the whole time.”

“Oh, uhm, sorry!” Luhan's cheeks blushed slightly in embarrassment. “I was just … _curious_. And now I just wanted to say hello because, well … you're new and all.”

“That's … nice. Thank you,” Sehun actually didn't want to answer so brusquely but Luhan's persona was basically all over the place. It bubbled out of his big, sparkly eyes and ran over Sehun's thoughts for a short moment.

“Most students here, me included, are in some clubs. So maybe I could help you to make friends,” the other suggested gleefully.

“Thanks for the offer,” Sehun originally wanted to end the conversation right then and there because he really didn't want to end up being talked into some sort of club that he didn't actually want to join, and then have to come up with half-assed lies later on when he had to skip meetings or whatever. However, he also noted that Luhan seemed like a perfectly nice guy – and a very helpful one at that. So maybe he shouldn't shut out the students here right from the start. They may very well be decent people. So eventually he asked, “What clubs do you have here?”

“Well, you could join the soccer team or basketball team or –”

“Nothing that has to do with sports, please.”

“Oh!” Luhan's pink lips formed a surprised, round 'O'. “Well …”

“Do you maybe have something like a … I don't know … photography club or something?” Sehun asked carefully.

Luhan smiled apologetically. “I'm afraid we're not that sophisticated …”

“I see …” Sehun uttered and wanted to go to his next class then when Luhan spotted the book in his arms.

A joyful smile spread on Luhan's lips. “I got Biology now, too. Let's go together. Do you know where the room is?”

“Uhm, no …” Sehun admitted. He again felt so swept away by the other boy's exuberant nature.

“Follow me!” Luhan laughed and walked forward with a spring in his step.

Sehun doddered behind him, kind of uncomfortable with the whole situation.

“Oh!” Luhan suddenly exclaimed shortly before they reached the classroom.

“What is it?”

“You could join the gospel choir! There are a lot of people in there. I'm sure you could make some friends there! I'm in it, too.” Luhan seemed very pleased with his suggestion.

“Ah … gospel choir … errr … thanks, but no. I don't think that's for me, either,” Sehun tried to explain and failed.

“Don't worry, you don't have to sing well. Many people don't sing that well. We just have a good time and sing the songs and stuff …”

“That's not it,” Sehun attempted again and inwardly scolded himself. This was exactly the reason why he would rather have dodged the whole conversation. “I just don't like … _gospel_ …”

“Oh!” Luhan sounded a little disappointed. “Is it because of the music style?”

 _Why couldn't Luhan just let it be and accept Sehun's answer? Why did he have to keep on asking?_ “No, I … just don't believe in God.”

“Oh …” Luhan now breathed as if he had heard that sentence for the first time in his life. Perhaps, Sehun thought, that was exactly the case. “M-May I ask why?” was the question that immediately followed.

Sehun wanted to groan loudly. He knew this would happen. “I have my reasons,” he grunted, well aware that his voice sounded a lot more unfriendly all of a sudden.

“Well, maybe …” Luhan began, as he seemed to have calmed down from the apparent shock quickly. “… We could show you some ways to God or some of his teachings, if you want to …”

“No, thanks.” Sehun had to really contain himself at the moment to not get completely angry. “Like I said, I don't believe. I have my reasons.”

“I guess …” Luhan muttered, but wasn't willing to give up. Even though he somehow noticed that Sehun wanted to end their talk, he just felt like he needed to share all his positive experiences with God. He didn't want to pressure anybody into anything. It was just … Luhan felt _very_ happy and content in his state as a believer, so at that moment he couldn't really fathom why someone else wouldn't want to achieve that same happiness. “Well, I don't know your exact reasons, but maybe … if you read the Bible – there are some very enlightening sequences in there. Accepting God in your life can be very fulfilling and comforting, you know …”

This time Sehun actually groaned. “ _No! Thanks!_ ” he repeated emphatically. His voice had gotten a little louder, too. “I have no interest in finding God, I have no interest in you showing me God, I have no interest in a gospel choir and in fact I _did_ read the Bible. All of it. Sufficiently. And I have no intention to ever do it again. So please, leave me alone, I do not want to listen to your religious babble. And now excuse me, I think the lesson will start any moment.” Angrily he pushed his way past Luhan who seemed too startled at the outburst and bumped into the latter's shoulder purposefully to get in the classroom. He didn't want to sit in the back again.

Until the teacher came and asked him what's up, Luhan couldn't bring himself to move. Sehun's angered words had shocked him more than he thought they would. And they made him feel incredibly uncomfortable.

To make the situation even worse, he ended up sitting next to Sehun in this class, since he hadn't tried to secure himself another seat early enough, and the only place left was next to the bitter newbie who seemed as displeased with this arrangement as Luhan himself.

Sehun just grunted in an annoyed manner and scurried his chair a few centimeters away from the older boy.

The new school year was already starting off great.

 

~

 

“Have you heard? A new family moved into town,” Luhan's mother asked him while she set the table for dinner.

“Yes, mom. Their son is in some of my classes,” he said.

“They're weird!” His mother exclaimed in a flippant manner. “I met the woman in the bakery today. I just wanted to be nice and friendly and invited her to our Sunday worship. Guess what? She doesn't go to church!” She wrinkled her nose and shot a quick look at her husband who was sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper. “Honey, have you perhaps met the man?”

Luhan's father looked up for a moment and muttered an absentminded “No, sweetie …” and continued reading.

“What about you, Luhan? How is their son?” his mother asked – a little prejudiced already.

“He's … also weird,” Luhan muttered and thought about the last lesson that they – almost – shared together.

Everyone was sitting in the sports hall, waiting for the lesson to begin, when Sehun walked in. He still hadn't changed his clothes and held a slip of paper in his hands. The teacher had looked at him questioningly and then accepted the slip that Sehun offered him, which turned out be some obscure excuse note as to why the latter wasn't allowed to participate in sports lessons at all. The teacher had read through it quickly and Luhan definitely had seen his eyes widen for moment and then a slightly pitifully smile being given to Sehun alongside with an acceptance of the excuse. Sehun had bowed and quickly left the hall.

It was still weird to Luhan. Of course, sometimes you couldn't participate in the sports lessons because you … broke your leg or whatever, but an excuse for the whole year …? That was definitely strange.

Luhan's mother let out an indignant huff and sat down to eat. “Maybe you should stay away from their son … _They're weird!_ ” she said again and pinched her chopsticks so aggressively on the _tteok_ that it slipped out of her grasp. She huffed again.

 

Luhan couldn't find sleep that evening. He felt rather bothered by his encounter with Sehun.

Of course, Luhan knew of people who didn't believe. After all, they made up quite a big portion of Korea's society. But in the small town where he lived, the vast majority of people were Christians and since he had rarely spent time outside this place, he was never really exposed to attitudes that seemed to contradict his own so drastically.

He wondered what Sehun meant by having his reasons not to believe.

Luhan couldn't possible imagine what could have enough impact on someone's personality to cause such a mindset. He didn't want to admit it since Luhan liked to proclaim that he was accepting and loving of different humans and opinions but this newbie being a non-believer irked him more than he let on.

In the dark he turned his view towards the cross above his bed and prayed that whatever seemed to have such a negative effect on Sehun to please disappear.

The latter seemed to carry around something heavy with him. He seemed too cautious all day when Luhan saw him, too serious, too seasoned and too … _callous_ maybe? No, that wasn't the right word … Maybe too … _marked_ … yeah, that was the right word.

Sehun seemed _marked_.

Luhan had noticed how he avoided certain groups of people today – just like he wanted to avoid Luhan – how he tried to be friendly but only on a professional sort of level, how he seemed to not engage in anything that was not required … All of this convinced Luhan that Sehun must have had some sort of negative experience that had marked him.

And so Luhan prayed. He wanted to help Sehun. He wanted to show him the comfort that God could give him, just like he gave it to Luhan.

 

~

 

“How was your day at school?” Sehun's mom asked the boy.

“So-so …” Sehun muttered while dropped on the chair at the lunch table.

“You don't sound too excited …” she stated with a mildly concerned expression. “Did something happen?”

“No, no. The teachers are attentive and friendly,” Sehun quickly explained.

“And the other students …?”

“They are … acceptable. They were nice and … welcoming.”

Sehun's mom, of course, noted the grimace the young man had twisted his mouth into, even though he tried to hide it. “What is it, Sehun?”

The latter sighed. “One of them asked me today whether I would like to join the gospel choir.”

When she heard it, his mom already had an idea where this conversation was heading. “Well, he was probably trying to be nice, right …?” she asked carefully.

“Probably …” Sehun murmured. “I declined the offer, but … well, he just wouldn't stop annoying me with it. I said I don't believe in God and then he pestered me even more. Gosh …” Sehun sighed and rested his face into his palms.

“Oh, Sehunnie,” his mom said comfortingly and rubbed his shoulder. “You know how these people are … Maybe you could just avoid him next time. He doesn't know you or your past … What sort of insight could you possibly expect from him?”

Sehun sighed again and stabbed an egg angrily with his chopsticks. “Yeah, I know. I know. But it's just … _Why can't these people never accept no for an answer?_ ”

 

 

~

 

 

I hope you liked this chapter. (~>_>)~

~ Freeza :D


	3. Feeling Fear

 

 

~

 

 

**III. FEELING FEAR**   


 

Obviously it was very difficult for both Luhan and Sehun to avoid each other since they had the majority of their classes together and in Biology, they were even forced be seatmates.

Said Biology class also turned out to be their doom in another way.

One week into the new school year, the teacher Mr Nam announced that all seatmates had to pair up to work on a big presentation towards the summer that would make up a third of their grade.

Sehun wanted to groan when he heard that and Luhan shifted on his chair uncomfortably. They were both _so not_ in the mood for dealing with the other at that point, and especially not when it concerned a topic as intriguing as neuronal information processing.

Some other students complained vociferously about the seatmate arrangements, but the teacher made clear that he wouldn't accept any group changes.

Neither Luhan nor Sehun were up for blowing it with Mr Nam, since the man was quite strict, so they grudgingly accepted their unfortunate situation in silence. Hopefully they would be able to stand each other for the time being.

 

When the lesson ended Luhan was deep in thought, pondering how he was supposed to approach Sehun.

He didn't have something against the latter personally and he still wanted give him the help that he – in Luhan's opinion – needed but on the other hand … he felt very reluctant, because everything about Sehun went against his religion and questioned his state as a believer. He wasn't sure whether he'd be able to put up with it again. Thus, so far he had stuck to what his mother told him: staying away from Sehun.

But now with the upcoming project, he wouldn't have any choice but to keep in contact with the younger boy.

 

For his own good, Sehun had tried to avoid Luhan at all costs. Luckily, the other tried to do the same, so no other encounters happened during the last week.

Sehun realized with a hint of regret that his words must have hit Luhan hard. The boy never wanted to run over the older in such a way. But if someone just wouldn't let him be that was all he could do.

While he packed his bags he wondered what he could possibly say to Luhan after their last conversation. He didn't want to mess up the project, so he probably should not provoke another fight.

 

Simultaneously the both of them turned around to speak and promptly they interrupted what the other had to say. Awkward silence ensued.

“Uhm …” began Luhan with slight blush on his cheeks. “I just wanted to ask … about how we're gonna do that project.”

“Yeah … me too,” Sehun muttered with an equally pinkish shade coloring his face.

“Do you … have time someday?”

“Yes. I usually have a lot of free time … We could meet today, if you wanna.”

“That's fine by me. Where?”

“Well … you could come to my place. It's still a little messy because we just moved but it'll be comfortable and pretty silent. My mom isn't coming until the late evening.”

“I'm not sure …” Luhan mused. He knew he had irked Sehun in an unpleasant way last time. He didn't want to repeat that. “I don't want to impose on your privacy too much.”

“It'll be fine.” Sehun tried a weak smile. “We're just gonna work on the project after all, right?”

“Right.”

“Good.” Sehun grabbed his bag from the floor and swung it over his shoulder. “We'll see each other after class. At the main entrance?”

“That's fine.”

“Good.” Sehun hurried away, glad that he could finish off this talk without erupting into another angry rant.

Luhan on the other was, despite his relief over having avoided another confrontation, caught in state of conflict. He didn't feel all too well with the thought of having to visit Sehun at his home. _Why didn't he suggest the library or something? Dammit!_

 

~

 

“So … here we are,” Sehun mumbled after he opened up the door to his home.

Much to his amazement, Luhan found the younger to be living in the old and spacious house that was located in the city center. After the previous owner died, the house had been vacant for a couple of years since it was quite expensive and nobody was interested in spending that much money. So it was very surprising to see that the new kid seemed to be living here from now on. It meant that his family had to be pretty well off.

Luhan silently followed the younger into the building just like he had been during the whole way here. He slipped out of his shoes and looked around the hallway that led into a big living room.

Some of the walls hadn't been painted yet and a few cardboard boxes were still stacked in a corner.

“Are you sure it's okay if I come here already?” Luhan asked insecurely.

“Sure, sure. It's fine,” Sehun waved it off. “So … Do we wanna get started?”

“Okay,” Luhan muttered and followed Sehun to the sofa where he dropped down on the soft cushioning.

Sehun went to the bordering kitchen and brought a carafe filled with water and two glasses. “In case you're thirsty …” he explained.

“Thanks,” Luhan murmured and wished the awkwardness that had been hovering above them the whole day to just disappear. He grabbed his notes from class and spread them on the table.

From the corner of his eye Luhan witnessed how Sehun poured himself a glass and drew a box of pills out of the pocket of his jeans. He put it in his mouth and downed it in one go.

Luhan felt curiosity tingling in him. He wanted to know what sort of pill that was, but he knew he wasn't in the position to ask such questions now. But still … he was curious …

 

Surprisingly Luhan and Sehun managed to spend the next hour peacefully. As long as they concentrated on their school work they both knew they could avoid any sort of tension. They were also amazed to see how well they were able to work together. They assigned each other certain topics to research about and were even able to set up a full schedule to work through until the presentation.

However, that was the point where everything started going downhill and their effort went down the drain.

Sehun cleared his throat and said something along the lines of him going upstairs to get his notebook and some pencils to write down what he had to do.

Luhan nodded and sat there waiting for Sehun to come back down.

But he didn't come back.

Luhan was waiting and waiting. He drank a glass of water. He pointlessly looked around the room. But Sehun didn't come back down.

After some time the boy was tired of waiting and walked towards the stairs. “Sehun?” he called out. “Are you done?”

No answer.

“Do you need help looking?” Maybe he lost his stuff in the mess of the relocation.

Still no answer.

With a disquieting feeling in his stomach Luhan slowly stepped up the stairs. _What was going on?_

He didn't know which one Sehun's room was but one of them had the door opened wide and he heard heavy breathing coming from that direction.

Luhan gulped and walked towards what he knew could be nothing good.

When he stepped in he saw Sehun sitting on his bed, his chest heaving frantically, his hair disheveled and his face rested in his hands.

Luhan felt his heart dropping out of his chest. “ _Sehun!_ Are you okay?” he exclaimed.

Slowly the latter lifted his head and stared at Luhan with reddened eyes. “What are you doing here?” he hissed viciously.

Luhan tumbled back a few steps in shock. He didn't expect Sehun to react so aggressive. “I'm sorry. You weren't coming down. So I got worried and came looking for you.”

“ _I mean_ …” Sehun pressed through his teeth, “… what are you doing in my house?!”

“Huh?” Luhan's eyes grew to the size of saucers. “W-What …?” he stammered.

“ _What are you doing in my house?”_ Sehun shouted again and stood up to glare at Luhan threateningly who stumbled back another few scared steps.

“Yo-You- … We were working on the biology project. Don't you … remember?” Luhan whimpered, not comprehending the situation at all. _What was happening with Sehun?_

At Luhan's words the younger's tense shoulders suddenly slackened and the older swore he could see the other's gaze clearing up. A shiver ran through the younger and he looked at Luhan with panic in his eyes.

“ _Oh no …_ ” he mumbled incoherently. “Gosh … I- … I'm _so_ sorry …” Sehun ran forward and pushed past Luhan to disappear into the bathroom.

The door slammed shut and Luhan jumped at the sound. He took a second to recollect himself, then he ran after Sehun.

“ _Hey!_ ” he screamed and knocked the door. “What was that supposed to be? Open the door!”

“Please go!” he heard Sehun shouting from the inside with a teary voice. “I'm sorry, but please go!”

“Not as long as you haven't given me an explanation for that stunt just now! You shout at me and scare me and now you run away? Are you kidding me?” Luhan ranted.

“Please just go, Luhan. Please go!” Sehun sobbed with a muffled voice.

“No! I want –”

“GET OUT!” Sehun roared finally and made Luhan step back from the door, startled from the loudness.

 _Well …_ Luhan figured that some nasty shit had to be going on here. If Sehun wanted to be alone now … _Fine!_ But Luhan would get back to receive an explanation.

With a grumpy face he lumbered down the stairs and roughly packed his bag to storm out of the building.

 _Just so you wait, Oh Sehun! You do not get to treat me like this_ , he thought and hurried home where he threw himself on the bed with his headphones on to blast some loud rock songs and ignored his mother who looked at him in confusion.

After all, Luhan never acted like this. As far as she knew, the boy was usually a good-tempered person.

 

~

 

With shaking fingers Sehun dialed his mom's number.

“Sehun!” she answered with a concerned voice already. “Are you alright?”

“No,” he sobbed. “Mom … it happened again. A classmate was over. We wanted to work on a presentation. And I forgot. I just _completely forgot_ …”

“I'm coming home, Sehun,” his mom answered promptly and he heard shifting noises on the other end of the phone. “Are you okay at the moment?”

“I'm better now.”

“Good. We'll be going to the doctor right away. I don't care how many special patients he has set for today. I told him it was urgent and we moved here for a reason.”

Sehun huffed a few times. “I'm scared, mom. I want to be able to go to a normal school. And especially not now in the last school year –”

“Sh-sh-sh,” she interrupted him when she heard his voice growing more hysterical. “You'll be fine, my child. I will take care of everything, don't worry.”

“Okay,” Sehun hiccupped.

“I'll be home in a few minutes. Calm down. We'll get help.”

“Okay.”

“I'll call your dad, too. We will need him here now.”

“Okay.”

“Everything will be fine.”

“Yes …” Sehun murmured. He knew his parents would do their very best to help him. “I'm just so scared that it will happen again.”

“I know, Sehun. I know.” She hung up and Sehun was left alone again with his gnawing fear and growing desperation.

_What did he do to deserve this?_

 

 

~

 

 

I hope you liked this chapter.

~ Freeza :D


	4. What Doesn't Kill Us

 

 

~

 

 

**IV. WHAT DOESN'T KILL US**   
  


 

When Luhan sat in school the next day, he still felt beyond agitated. He wanted to confront Sehun about yesterday's incident. He ought to hear an explanation from the younger boy, at least.

But Sehun didn't come to school that day. And neither did he the day after. In fact, the boy didn't show up for the rest of the week, which gave Luhan's feelings the time to transform from anger into confusion and mild worry. He remembered again, how Sehun took some pills when he visited him and how he had an excuse note for the sports lessons. So Luhan wondered … _What sort of sickness was it that the other was dealing with?_ It was clearly an illness; that much was obvious by now.

On Saturday Luhan had enough and decided to visit Sehun again. He was nervous when he approached the doorstep. His fingers kept moving anxiously and his teeth wouldn't stop chewing on his lower lip. There had been something about the last time he saw Sehun … something that made him feel like he was trying to balance on a tightrope high above the ground, dreading to fall. Something about what he had witnessed felt like clawing into his guts and ripping around within him. And the more he replayed the scene in front of his mind's eye, the worse this feeling got.

Timidly he rung the bell and waited for someone to open the door. Luhan faced a middle-aged woman with short hair and a friendly but confused smile, whom he figured to be Sehun's mother, Mrs Jeong.

“Hello, how can I help you?” she asked.

“I am Luhan, one of Sehun's schoolmates,” Luhan explained. “We're supposed to be working on a project for our Biology class together but he didn't come to school since the last time we've met. I just … wanted to know if he's alright and when we'll be able to meet again. Is he home?”

“Yes, he is. Come in, my dear. I will call him.” She led Luhan into the living room that was a lot more cleaned up compared to the last time he sat there. No more boxes in the corner. Then she went up the stairs to call her son.

Luhan sat on the sofa, waiting in silence while he went through what he wanted say to Sehun again. He had been reciting the same sentences over and over, yet still he felt like he would mess them up as soon as he were to face the younger again.

When he heard steps, Luhan looked up to see Sehun, dressed in sweat pants and a loose shirt that accentuated his broad shoulders, leisurely trotting down the stairs behind his mother, who quickly disappeared in the kitchen.

“Hey,” Sehun mumbled uncomfortably.

Luhan noted how the younger tried to avoid looking him in the eyes. “Hey,” he greeted back a little frosty. “You didn't come to school all week.”

“I know, I'm sorry. I guess I should have told you somehow. Should have given you my phone number or something, I guess …” He still avoided looking at Luhan, constantly keeping his gaze focused on whatever else came into his sight.

“Yes, you should have. After all, we agreed on meeting again last time.”

“Yes, I know, I'm sorry.” Sehun sounded quite crestfallen.

“You said that already,” Luhan responded snappily.

“I know.”

“Then I hope you also know, that you owe me an explanation.”

Sehun sighed deeply. He had been aware that Luhan would demand one from him but he wasn't keen on giving him one at all.

“I'm waiting,” Luhan pressed and his right foot started tapping on the floor in an edgy pace. “You shouted at me last time and I still have no idea what was going on. You kicked me out!”

Sehun's head dropped visibly. “I know, I am sorry.” He sighed again. “Unfortunately though, I cannot promise for that to never happen again.”

Luhan raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What? Why?”

The younger rummaged around in his pants pocket until he drew out a small box of pills that he put on the table for Luhan to see. “I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about this. It's a private matter and I don't really want people to know,” Sehun stated in no uncertain terms.

The older nodded but kept on eyeing the other warily.

“About ten years ago I … got very, very sick. I was close to dying actually …” Sehun began and Luhan felt how hard it was for him to speak about this. “I got saved by the doctors but there is still a big risk that what happened back then might happen again in the future. To prevent this – and to keep other side effects of the operation in line – I have to take various sorts of medications. And whereas the amount of pills decreased over time while my rehabilitation made progress, I still have to take some of them.” He pointed at the little box. “However, it appeared that in my case, I can't always handle the medication all that well. Sometimes they influence my brain that much, that I … _forget_. It's causing me to have some sort of short term amnesia, more or less, and that's also what happened last week. These days it doesn't happen that often anymore so I got very surprised and shocked myself when it hit me again. I'm sorry that I went on at you like that. I was just super confused to see you there and I knew something was wrong and … I'm sorry.” Sehun's voice grew more frantic and nervous the more he spoke.

“It's okay,” Luhan interrupted him hoarsely. All of a sudden he felt really bad for putting the younger through the mill like that. “You don't have to apologize for that.”

“Still, I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. It's not your fault.”

Sehun sighed again. He had lost count how many times he had heard that sentence before.

“May I … May I ask what sickness it was that you had?” Luhan dared.

“I would rather not speak about that. Yet,” Sehun responded and looked up into the other's eyes for the first time today.

Luhan could see that he must have cried a lot during the past few days and he seemed very exhausted on an emotional level. “Are there any other pills that don't cause these side-effects?” the older asked.

“There are. But they only recently went on sale. When I got another amnesia attack last week my mom drove immediately to the doctor. That is actually the real reason why we moved here in the first place. There is a specialist for cases like mine living in the city nearby so it's easier for my parents to get proficient help for me in case of an emergency. He prescribed me those new pills that I'm taking since then. I didn't go to school so that we could see how well they worked out for me. So far everything seems to be fine so I will be coming to school next week again.”

“I see,” Luhan mused with worry in his eyes. He didn't expect Sehun to deal with troubles like this. “Well, I will pray that these new pills keep on working for you and that your condition will improve.”

“Don't pray!” Sehun uttered sharply.

Luhan promptly felt like he just got smacked in the face with a brick. He turned towards the younger with big eyes. _Oh right … he forgot …_ But he felt hurt, nevertheless.

“Why do you have to be like this?” Luhan hissed indignantly. “Just because you have some sickness doesn't give you the right to throw stuff like this at me.” He furrowed his eyebrows. “I was just trying to be nice, y'know. And saying that I hope –”

“Then say _hope_!” Sehun stated, unimpressed. “Praying never works. Especially not for stuff like this. Believe me, I tried.”

“Do you even realize how rude you are? Telling stuff like that to people who believe in God … What have I _done_ to you?”

“It's nothing personal, don't worry. I just had some really bad experiences revolving around that topic in the past,” Sehun explained dryly while raising an eyebrow.

“You could at least try to find a nicer way to tell me if you have to insist on stuff like that. It's not like I want to make anyone uncomfortable …” Luhan almost screeched.

“You wouldn't care, you wouldn't listen.”

“How would you know? How do you know me so well all of a sudden?”

“I know, because I tried that way many times before. People don't care about my wishes if I don't speak clearly. They are too caught up in their own superstitions.”

“But how would you know that I am the same? How could you generalize like this?”

“I don't have the time and patience to try it out again and again. At some point one has to learn to rely on what he knows and experienced,” Sehun responded sincerely. Whereas Luhan's voice had gotten louder and grown more intemperate, the younger had stayed calm and in control as if he had held that conversation a million times before.

And that was the moment when Luhan realized that Sehun had probably done exactly that. For a while he couldn't respond anything, and awkward, tense silence enfolded between them once again. Sehun's stern gaze was glued on Luhan and made the latter feel incredibly nervous as he shifted in his seat.

“What is that you have against my belief?” Luhan eventually asked with a distastefully wrinkled mouth. “Like seriously, I came here to talk about your absence at school, the Biology project and you kicking me out last time – literally _everything else_ – and now we are fighting over this again. So, what is it?”

Sehun debated whether he should actually tell Luhan. His problems and past were none of the latter's business. But eventually he decided to do so since he already figured Luhan to be an incredibly inquisitive and insistent person. The older would probably never stop bugging Sehun until he got an answer. The younger sighed. “Fine, but don't tell me I didn't warn you. My … my mom isn't my real mother. I am adopted,” he started off and Luhan immediately felt like his heart leapt into his throat.

“I lived with my real parents until I was eight years old,” Sehun continued. “We were literally the _perfect family_ of our neighborhood,” he huffed sarcastically. “Always proper, always neat and spotless. Always going to church on Sundays, always _morally superior_ to the rest of the peasants … My parents like to preach at home that God was good and just. He would send the good ones to heaven and the bad ones to hell. As long as I stayed on his path he would watch over me, protect me from harm and evil. He wouldn't punish me if I never did anything wrong. They liked to warn me about the devil that hid himself and would try to seduce me … As if little me would understand what the fuck even seduction was. My parents were strict, incredibly strict. And also … incredibly _religious and Christian_ ,” Sehun hissed those last words despise in his voice.

All the while Luhan sat on the edge of his seat, hands gripped into the cushions while he anxiously listened to what Sehun had to say. The suffocating feeling within him grew with every word the younger uttered.

“They were so strict …” the latter added, “… that they would never let me play with kids that were not from strongly Christian families as well. They went to my elementary school and wanted to forbid the teachers to teach me certain topics because they thought they weren't appropriate for me to know. Fortunately the school didn't care much about that. But every time I learned about those topics my parents would teach me _God's truth_ when I got home. They were just really … crazy. They wouldn't let me get vaccinated because they thought it was a possible intervention with God's plans and whatever bullshit they liked to make up in their deluded minds.” Sehun huffed and rubbed his nose bridge with his long fingers. “Once I got very sick with a severe lung inflammation. They didn't bring me to a doctor or hospital even though they would have had the money to do so. They said if it was God's plan to save me I would heal on my own. And they said that if I died like this it was probably for something bad I had done, because after all … God wouldn't punish me if I didn't deserve it.”

Luhan's eyes widened. _How could anyone tell something like this to their child?_ The older saw how severely those words must have affected the little Sehun back then and were still affecting him.

Sehun blinked away the few teardrops that formed in the corner of his eyes. After a short break he spoke again. “I think I would have died from the pneumonia if it hadn't been for one of my teachers. She was my classroom teacher back then and she got worried about me because I hadn't shown up in school for over two weeks. And we had that rule that in case we were sick for that long, a medical certificate was necessary. My parents obviously couldn't hand one in, so my teacher wanted to know what was going on. She came to our house with the school work I missed and more or less caught my parents by surprise. They tried to make up some sort of bullshit excuse but my teacher eventually realized what was going on and called the police. I got taken away from my parents, thankfully, and was brought to the hospital where the doctors saved my life. My parents were later sent to prison for mentally and physically abusing me since they put me through such brainwashing and didn't help me when I was sick. My teacher and her husband were the ones who adopted me and … they are my parents now.”

Luhan looked at Sehun, whose features seemed to soften when he started speaking about his new family. “I see, I am sorry that this happened to you,” he muttered for the lack of better words. He felt like he needed to tell Sehun so much more but couldn't find a way to phrase it better.

“Thanks, I guess …” Sehun mumbled and looked down. “You see … While I was sick back then, I constantly thought that God hated me, you know … Eight years old and dying from pneumonia, it was painful for me to even breathe, I was coughing all the time and all my parents did was stand there and look at me like I was some sort of abomination. They seriously told me that I must have done something sinful if I was being punished liked this, that it was God's way to cleanse me of my sins … and if I deserved it I would live …” he sighed. “But I never did anything wrong, I told that to my parents. I was such an obedient child, I always did what they wanted, learned a lot and was good at school, I never complained and always tried to be humble. _I never did anything wrong._ But they told me I must have because otherwise our all-knowing and all-wise God wouldn't punish me. If I didn't _do_ anything wrong maybe something was wrong with _me_ , maybe I thought something wrong, maybe I had impure thoughts … As if an eight-year-old would know what _impure thoughts_ are! I thought about their words a lot but I knew I never, _never_ did anything wrong. So I thought that maybe God just hated me. Maybe I wasn't supposed to exist … that's what I thought as a child.”

Luhan could literally feel his heart breaking in his chest. He couldn't even imagine the pain and confusion, the suffering and self-hate little Sehun must have gone through. He wanted to say something comforting but yet again the words were stuck in his throat.

Deeply caught up in his memories, Sehun continued with a shaky voice. “But when my mom saved me from them and my illness got treated, I was also sent to a psychologist. He helped me deal with the trauma and everything … I thought about it, and I researched and made up my mind. Because … do you have any idea how crushing it is for such a trusting, little kid, to realize that the almighty creator of the universe hated him? _That the very being he believed in, hated him?_ So I wondered and started to question all the stuff that my parents put into my head. The people I was around now and my new parents told me that my begetters were lunatics and mistreated me, that they lied to me. I wondered what all the things were that they lied about. Maybe God wasn't good and just. If he was, why would he let someone who didn't deserve it suffer so much? Especially, why would he let a child suffer that much? A child who barely understood all those religious rules and concepts … Maybe he wasn't a good God, maybe he was a hateful God that simply despised certain people just for fun. Maybe he liked to torture me until I died a painful death. Or maybe, _maybe,_ God just didn't exist. Maybe my parents were simply crazy and malevolent people. Maybe I just had bad luck in the past but I'd still be able to do well in the future. So … that's why I think how I think and that's why I am naturally a little sensitive towards the whole topic of religion in general, and Christianity specifically,” Sehun ended his little speech.

“I understand,” Luhan responded sincerely after taking a moment to collect himself. “I will try not bring it up in the future, even though I can't promise that it will always work out since many of the things that I say are out of habit. I will try, though. But please also consider that I am not like your parents. Believers are all different and they clearly weren't true ones and –”

“ _Are you for real?”_ Sehun interrupted the other with a scowl. “I just told you my life story and how I got mistreated by my religiously bigoted parents and all you can do is justify yourself and your beliefs. I wasn't even talking about you this time and now you go and make it about your –”

The sound of coughing coming from the door to the living room interrupted Sehun's ramble. It was the younger's mom that shot a short glare at the both of them. “Don't you two want to learn?” She asked to defuse the situation.

Sehun sighed heavily and Luhan gulped with the uncomfortable feeling of being caught doing something that he shouldn't. The younger stood up and walked up the stairs. “I'll go get my stuff,” he muttered.

When he was gone his mother walked over to Luhan, who eyed her nervously. _What would she tell him?_ She must have heard quite a bit of their conversation.

“What Sehun just told you isn't something that he has told many people. It's something very private to him that he doesn't like speaking about – or thinking for that matter,” she explained calmly. “You just heard it. He connects religion, God, all those things with everything bad that happened in his past. And whereas I know you mean him no harm, Luhan … even the attempt to put these beliefs in a positive context is very painful to him. To him it sounds like you are trying to find a justification for what those people did, for what these memories are _still_ doing to him.”

Luhan needed to suppress a shiver. Her urgent words hit him hard. “But that's not what I meant to do. Not at all. I really am not like them. I would never –”

“I know,” the woman answered with a sad smile. “And Sehun knows that, too. He knows that it depends on the people, and only the people. It was people who saved him, people who shaped his persona and character, people who helped, people who turned him down, people who made him suffer. It's _only_ been people. But no God. Not to him.”

“But it's the same with every belief,” Luhan tried to voice his feelings. “He shouldn't blame the entire group for what a few have done. No matter how horrific his past was, it doesn't give him the right to act like I want to torture him. I always just intended the best. And it hurts me too if he spews curses about my belief. It's a feeling that is very important to me. It is to many people; it helps them to survive bad times, it means hope and comfort to them.”

Sehun's mother sighed and wrinkles appeared on her forehead. “I know, Luhan, I know. But for Sehun – and also partly for myself – the perspective on the whole matter simply changed. Yes, religion helps a lot of people, I am aware of that and it is also the cause of many good deeds. But at the same time it is also the cause of many wrong-doings and horrible crimes, just like in Sehun's case. And I am not sure whether the advantages outweigh the drawbacks for him. Sehun surely doesn't think so.”

Luhan's gaze dropped to the floor. He felt so much guilt erupting within him. He knew he ought to shut up now but one question was still lingering in his mind. “Why doesn't he think that God did save him after all? Because … that's what I think. You saved him, didn't you? Maybe God sent you to him.”

She chuckled lightly. “I appreciate you thinking so highly of me, Luhan, but … Sehun didn't tell you everything. When I found him and brought him to the hospital, he wasn't exactly _saved_. The lung inflammation triggered another disease and he got even sicker. It's the reason he still has to take the pills and is still in danger of getting that sickness again. But that's not my story to tell. You'd better ask him that yourself. But not today, please. What he told you today was probably troubling enough for him already.”

“Yes, thank you, Mrs Jeong,” Luhan mumbled, deep in thought.

She turned around and walked back into the kitchen when she heard her son coming back down.

Luhan sighed, knowing very well that he wouldn't be able to concentrate on Biology. The thoughts in his head were whirring around and giving him a headache.

 

Luhan couldn't find sleep that night again, which seemed to be happening a lot more since he met Sehun. The sad and traumatized look in the younger's eyes when he told his somber story still haunted him. The words his mother spoke to Luhan also added to the unpleasant feelings growing in his chest. He felt as if today's events tried to scratch on the foundation of his beliefs and thus, a big part of himself. A truly unsettling notion.

He stared at the cross on his wall in confusion. _Why did Sehun have to suffer so much?_ , he asked silently, but didn't get an answer.

 

~

 

**2 months later:**

 

Surprisingly, Luhan and Sehun became very good friends. And very quickly, too.

After Luhan uttered an awkward but honest apology, Sehun promised not to snap at the older again and the two of them agreed on giving the topic of religion a wide berth. They could deal with each other's presence a lot better then. They regularly met to work on their project twice a week and became quite acquainted.

To the bafflement of both of them, they found themselves to have rather fitting personalities. They started to get to know each other's hobbies and interests, learned about their hopes and dreams for the future.

Luhan found out that Sehun wished to be a doctor later, so naturally he was putting in a lot of work to get accepted at one of the top universities in Seoul after their graduation. Luhan also wanted to study at the SKY-Universities but he wasn't sure about the subject yet. Currently he was hovering between law and international business, but he guessed that since he didn't attend a renowned language school, he would probably end up in law.

They had similar tastes in music and films too. Often after they declared their work for the project done for the day, they would keep on spending time together and just comfortably lay down on the sofa with some microwave popcorn or one of the instant meals from the convenience stores while watching a superhero movie – or alternatively, a TV series. Once, they even went to the cinema together to watch a newly released one.

They liked to wander off together after school to one of the coffee shops in town for bubble tea, after which they would sit down together in the little park nearby and tell each other funny stories or complain about some of their annoying teachers.

Sehun got to know Luhan's best friend Jongin and quickly developed a friendship with the latter as well. Luckily Sehun didn't have any other episodes of amnesia during that time. The new pills really seemed to work, much to his and his family's relief.

All in all, Luhan and Sehun managed to spend a great time together despite how badly they had started off.

It was an ordinary school day when things began to change.

 

Sehun left his Math class together with Luhan, both groaning about the amount of homework they just received, when Sujeong, a girl who attended class with them, jumped into their focus.

Luhan and Sehun looked at each other in bewilderment at her sudden appearance and the expectant look in her eyes.

“Can … we help you?” Sehun asked.

The girl bit her lip shyly and her cheeks turned red. “Sehun, uhm … I just … I am sorry if this is uncomfortable for you now or something, but … I really l-like you and I always see you in class but I was never brave enough to actually speak to you and I didn't know if you even saw me so I just have to tell you now,” she spoke hastily, “C-Could we maybe go out some day?”

“Oh!” Now Sehun's cheeks turned beet red as well. He didn't expect this.

Luhan stared at the two with big eyes, equally surprised.

“Sujeong …” Sehun began carefully.

“Yes?”

“I … I feel flattered, but … sorry. I don't think I like you the same way you like me. I'm sorry.” He desperately side-eyed Luhan with a silent scream for help out of this awkward situation.

But Luhan didn't know what to say either.

“Oh,” Sujeong muttered crestfallenly and her face was now glowing red in embarrassment. “Sorry for bothering you, Sehun,” she whispered with tears in her eyes and quickly ran away.

Sehun saw how she disappeared in the crowd of students and felt really bad for turning her down like that. _But what was he supposed to say?_

“Dude,” Luhan blurted out.

“What?” Sehun asked with mild irritation in his voice.

“You don't want to go out with her?” The older responded in disbelief.

“No … I barely know her,” Sehun explained.

“You could _get to know_ her.”

“I don't want to.”

“She's cute and pretty and really nice. And clever, too.”

“She is, but I don't want to. Not like that at least.”

“Why not?” Luhan asked for his lack of understanding. Sujeong was a popular girl actually and a lot of boys at school secretly dreamed of dating her.

“Luhan … I'm gay.”

“… Oh.”

“Is … that a problem?” Sehun asked warily.

“No … it's not.”

 

 

~

 

 

I hope you liked this chapter. If you did, comments, kudos & bookmarks are highly appreciated.  


~ Freeza :D


	5. Real Experiences

 

 

~

 

 

**V. REAL EXPERIENCES**   
  


 

The plan for the day had been to watch another movie together, but it seemed like that had to wait.

Luhan and Sehun had left school together after saying goodbye to Kai who had bugged them to let him be part of one of their movie evenings, too. On their way to Sehun's home the latter had already noticed how quiet the other had been.

Now Luhan sat on the couch and was still incapable of saying a word while Sehun let down the shutters. He sat on the edge of his seat and seemed thoroughly tense and anxious.

“It's because I told you I'm gay, right?” Sehun mused loudly while he put a bag of popcorn into the microwave. Out of the corner of his eye he could see how Luhan flinched at his words.

“Sorry,” the older muttered.

Sehun walked back to his friend and stood in front of him with crossed arms. “Do I make you uncomfortable now? Do you hate me?” he openly asked.

“No, no!” Luhan answered too quickly. “I'm just surprised. I would have never guessed that …”

“Yeah, I figured as much.”

“I just never met a gay person before,” Luhan admitted. “I have no idea how to behave now.”

“Just behave like you always did! I'm the same person as before. You just happen to know more about me now,” Sehun stated.

“Yeah, I guess …” Luhan sighed and stared at his hands, kneading them nervously.

Thankfully the microwave started to beep, bringing them out of the uncomfortable situation.

After Sehun came back from the kitchen he silently placed the bowl on the coffee table and started browsing his family's online video store. “ _The Dark Knight_?” he asked casually.

“Hm,” Luhan nodded.

The younger was well aware of how tense the brunette still was. “Come on!” he declared with light frustration apparent in his voice. “What is it? Spit it out!”

“Uhm …” Luhan began, “I was just wondering … As a gay guy … do you find me attractive, Sehun?”

Sehun's attention sprung to Luhan immediately. “Why would you _ask me that_?” he asked flabbergasted.

“I just want to know. Answer me honestly!”

Sehun stared at the older with big eyes, his heart beginning to speed up in his chest. “Yeah … you're pretty attractive …” he confessed.

“Oh … I see …” Luhan turned his attention towards the screen, leaving Sehun wondering why the hell the older wanted to know that and what this truth would change about their friendship and … and … _and_ …

“Gosh, Luhan! Why did you have to make it so awkward?!” he groaned and buried his face in the cushions. “Uhhhhh …”

Luhan couldn't help but start giggling. The younger’s desperation looked way too adorable.

“Shut up!” Sehun growled and threw a handful of popcorn at Luhan. “You were the one asking dumb questions.”

“Hahaha … sorry!”

“You better be!” Sehun responded playfully grumpy but even he couldn't hold back his laughter anymore.

Luhan felt relief flooding through when the tense atmosphere disappeared and their usual childish mood returned. He had noticed how Sehun seemed more cautious towards him after he came out at school, so naturally the older felt glad to see the other smile so freely again now.

It had been the first time that Luhan and Sehun had watched a movie together when Luhan decided that making Sehun happy was one of his top priorities from then on. It had been a funny movie and every time a joke flickered on the screen, Sehun's otherwise emotionless or permanently scowling face would turn into the happiest of smiles, eyes turning into the shapes of crescent moons and his wide, gleeful and goofy but addictive laughter. Luhan had been surprised that Sehun was even capable of expressing so much joy. He knew he shouldn't have been, but he had.

This had also been the day that Oh Sehun wiggled his way into Luhan's heart. Despite all the bad things that happened in his past, Sehun was full of hope, full of dreams, full of wishes and _so_ full of love and vitality. The younger's spirit had captured Luhan completely and he didn't intend on ever letting it go.

 

“Where are you always going that you end up coming home so late?” Luhan's mother asked suspiciously while she stood next to the stove, slicing lemons.

“Oh … I, uhm …” Luhan hem and hawed. He knew his mother wouldn't be too pleased about the fact that he regularly met with the son of _the heathens_ , which was how she started to refer to them after she had yet another encounter with Sehun's mom. “I just meet with the guy that I have to do my Biology presentation with.”

“And who is that, Luhan? You never told me,” she responded accusingly.

“It's … uhm … Sehun.”

Her body froze for a moment. “That heathen boy?” she asked with a voice strained like a tightrope.

“… Yes …”

“ _Why_ haven't you told me?”

“I … didn't think it was important …” That was a lie. He knew it was too important to his mother wherefore he would have preferred to never be in the position of actually having to tell her.

“Didn't I forbid you to associate with him?!” Luhan's mother snarled sharply.

“Uhm, _technically_ you didn't …”

“Well, then I am going to be clear now. I don't want to you to have any contact with that boy.”

“Mom … that's kind of inevitable. We have to finish the project together after all.”

“Why on earth would you choose him?” She looked at her son, aghast.

“I didn't, mom. We got assigned to work with our seatmates.”

“You're _sitting next to him_?!”

“I kind of didn't choose that either.”

“Ask your teacher to change that assignment!”

“I'm nineteen, mom, and-”

“-and as long as you live in this house you will do as I say!” she interrupted Luhan with anger in her voice.

“Mom, nobody could change their project partners!”

“Ask your teacher or I will do it!”

“Mom, _please_!” Luhan was slowly getting agitated, too. He was usually a very calm person, even when dealing with his mother's moody outbursts. After all, he was used to it by now. But no matter how calm he was, Luhan felt like she was crossing a line here. “We've been working on this for over two months now. If I would start a new project now I would have to start from scratch again and I would only have half of the time left to finish. Not to mention that it would be really unfair towards Sehun.”

His mother glared at him for a second. “Fine!” she spat. “But after you're done with the project I don't want you to talk to him ever again.”

Luhan sighed. “Why do you hate him so much? You don't even know him …”

“I don't have to!”

 

~

 

**2 months later:**

 

“My mother doesn't want me to see you again,” Luhan stated suddenly while his eyes were fixed on the screen.

Sehun turned his gaze towards him in mild surprise while he was licking ice cream. “Really? Why?”

“Because you and your family are, you know … not going to church and stuff,” the older mumbled.

“Oh, I see.” Sehun turned his eyes back to the screen as well. “Will you listen to her?”

“I'm nineteen.”

“I take that as a no.”

“Technically I shouldn't be speaking to you right now …”

“Why so?”

“She told me to break off the contact with you after we finished our project. Which we did …”

“Well, we're here, celebrating our successful presentation. If you lay it out flexibly this is still part of the process,” the younger giggled.

“Guess the celebrations will take very long then, right?” Luhan joined in and watched the other enjoy his ice cream from the corner of his eye. Disconcertingly, the brunette didn't seem to be able to look away from Sehun's pinkish tongue that moved around the chocolate so tantalizingly.

 

Sehun had been rather happy lately. Summer vacation had started and he was spending a nice and comfortable time with his family and friends.

He was sort of dreading the highly intensive phase of preparing for his finals that would start at school after the vacation, but for now he pushed back that thought into the deepest corners of his mind.

All the medication he recently took seemed to display no negative side effects anymore – at least not ones that he couldn't handle. He hadn't had another attack of amnesia in over four months. That had to be a new personal record and he was very satisfied with it and ultimately accepted that it had been a good idea to move here.

His parents also seemed to enjoy the place despite its disturbingly religious community. But at the end of the day, most people turned out to not be as believing as they pretended to be. At least that's what Sehun's mom always liked to tell him, and it was most definitely true to some extent. She always heard the most ridiculous and amusing rumors at the bakery. According to her, a good portion of the people here in town only went to church regularly to not fall in the disfavor of Luhan's mother, who turned out to be a highly influential woman since her husband worked as the assistant of the mayor. Apparently she once managed to get two elementary students expelled from school for bullying a friend of Luhan's. Sehun's mom, as a teacher herself, thought that that was completely ridiculous. Sure, a bully deserved punishment, she thought, but expelling elementary students would change nothing about their characters and only destroy their futures. Sehun just agreed in silence.

The latter still enjoyed meeting Luhan, which he never thought would be possible when they first met. They had clashed so much; but after removing the one barrier that kept them from even properly getting to know each other, they discovered many similarities between them. The two of them indeed seemed as if they were meant to be friends.

_Friends …_

After a while Sehun wasn't so sure anymore whether that was the sort of relationship he wanted it to be.

 

“Luhaaaaan!” Jongin whined while he dropped himself on the latter's bed. “Why do you ignore me all the time?”

“Huh?” Luhan looked at him in confusion. “I don't ignore you.”

“Yes, you do. We barely met outside school these past few months. You only met with Sehun. _Are you forgetting your best friend?_ ” Jongin wailed jokingly.

Luhan huffed. “I met with him because of the project.”

“Don't lie to me, dumbass. I know you've also been meeting without actually doing anything.”

“Yeah, we kinda became friends,” Luhan admitted. “But I am not forgetting you, Jongin. As you said … you are my best friend after all. And as much as I like spending time with Sehun, I have basically known you all my life. We've gone through a lot together. So no need to be jealous, you and me are on a level of friendship that even Sehun can't compete with, okay?”

“Who said I'm jealous?”

Luhan just raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, fine, fine!” Jongin sighed. “Maybe I am a little jealous. I am just so used to us being super close friends and having no other such close friends anywhere near us that I got used it, I think.”

“I am not accusing you or anything … I guess it would have happened like that the other way round, too.”

“Yeah, probably …” Jongin mused. “But still, though … You could start spending more time with me again. I miss you, dude …”

“Sure thing,” Luhan smiled when his phone vibrated in his pants pocket. He hesitated to look at the message instantly because he didn't want to interrupt his first proper meeting with his best friend in a long time.

Jongin stared at him, already knowing who it was. “Come on!” he rolled his eyes. “Take out your damn phone. I know you want to.”

Luhan sighed in surrender and looked at his message. _Sehun …_

Jongin saw the smile spreading on his friend's lips and started giggling. “Dude, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were in love. Looking so fondly at your phone …”

“Oh, shut up!”

 

~

 

“Scoot over!” Sehun commanded with a bowl of popcorn in his hands.

“Always so disrespectful …” Luhan joked but complied and moved to the side so that the younger could drop onto the couch next to him. By now the former felt quite at home in Sehun's living room. After all, he had been here so many times.

Luhan had dimmed the lights and closed the shutters earlier so that the room was now swallowed by darkness, aside from the familiar shine of the television. Outside it was raining heavily and the drops were hitting against the window, but the two of them couldn't be bothered by the arising storm now.

They spent their evening as usual, feeding on popcorn and too many soft drinks with their eyes fixed on the screen. They enjoyed each other's company silently aside from an occasional comment on the happenings.

But halfway into the movie they suddenly heard a loud clap of thunder resounding above the noise of the film. A second later the TV turned off.

“What the fuck was that?” Sehun asked into the darkness of the room.

“A blackout?” Luhan guessed. He turned on his phone to lighten up his surroundings.

Sehun stood up and tried to turn on the TV again. “Dead.” He tried switching the light back on but that didn't work as well. In the fuse all the switches were how they were supposed to be. “I guess it really is a blackout.”

Luhan raised the blinds again and looked down the street that was equally dark without the lanterns to lighten up the night. “It's everywhere. I guess we'll have to wait.”

“Yeah. Man … that sucks.”

“Yeah. Should we call your parents?”

“Nah, they went out today. I don't wanna disturb their time together. And chances are that they have to deal with that blackout, too.”

They slumped back down onto the sofa, staring at the wall.

“What should we do?” Luhan asked after a while. “Who knows how long we'll have to wait until we get power back.”

“We could sleep.”

“You serious?” Luhan asked, laughing in slight disbelief.

“You got a better idea?” Sehun stared at the direction of where he saw the outlines of Luhan's face.

A lighting flashed across the sky and lightened up the room for a brief moment.

“No,” Luhan admitted. “Come here!”

Sehun shifted up and they laid down together, their legs unconsciously entangling with each other, while the younger rested his head next to Luhan's but turned his back on him. He felt the older shifting against him and his heart started fluttering in a pace that was very new to him. Sehun was glad that the other couldn't see his face right now – it would have been bright red.

Luhan squirmed again. “Why on earth are your shoulders so big, Hunnie?” he mumbled and poked the younger's back.

Sehun giggled. “Stop it or I'll kick you. Sleep.”

“Fine,” Luhan smiled and rested his head close to Sehun's neck.

The latter could feel the hot breath on his skin and a million butterflies erupted within his tummy. He felt like emitting a gleeful squeal and could barely control himself. He tried to concentrate on finding sleep but Luhan slinging his arm around his waist kept him awake until long after the older had fallen asleep.

 

Sometime later Luhan drowsily opened his eyes again, and found himself staring right at Sehun's sleepy face.

The storm had subsided outside and the dim moonlight shone through the windows, illuminating the younger's handsome features in the most enchanting way. Like this, he seemed so flawless, peaceful, innocent.

Luhan gulped. Something about the situation made him feel so exposed all of a sudden. He was squashed in between Sehun and the backrest of the couch. At some point during his sleep the latter must have turned around for his nose was now merely a centimeter away from Luhan's.

_Too close …_ He gulped again. His throat felt so incredibly dry. Long shadows were cast of Sehun's lashes and his tongue unconsciously darted out of his mouth to lick his lips while he sounded a soft sigh.

Luhan felt like he was in trance when he slowly reached out to tenderly caress the younger's cheek, his thumb softly following the outline of Sehun’s features and carefully coming closer towards these plum, rosy lips. They fascinated Luhan and drew him in with a force that he could neither explain nor had ever experienced before.

Sehun opened his eyes.

Luhan felt his heart skip a beat and then speed up right away.

The younger didn't say a word. He just returned Luhan's hypnotized look and licked his lips again.

Unconsciously their faces moved closer and closer until their expectant lips almost touched.

Luhan was holding his breath; Sehun's hitched.

They kissed.

Gently, they allowed their lips to meet and enjoyed the explosive feeling of warmth and affection that erupted between them.

Luhan swore he could hear the angels when his mouth opened and his tongue dared to lick across those luscious lips and taste the sweetness of the boy he had learned to admire so much. His hands slowly moved to the younger's nape to draw him even closer. _Closer_ was all he needed right now. Closer, _closer_ , _CLOSER_.

From Sehun's mouth escaped the most beautiful moan when the older started nibbling on his lower lip. “Luhan …”

Luhan felt a fire start in his mind when he heard that lovely sound. He sat up abruptly and pulled the spellbound Sehun with him to sit on his lap.

Sehun was still too surprised and run over by the whole situation to even grasp what was happening. He was still halfway convinced that he was dreaming the most beautiful of dreams. Luhan's tongue was skilled the way it worked around his lips, the way it silkily stroked around Sehun's. Too much endorphins flooded Sehun’s brain, leaving his head light and overjoyed. Gleefully he took his place on Luhan’s lap and tangled his fingers into the brunette's locks to pull him near again.

Their lips rejoined passionately, and this time it was Luhan who sounded a moan, throaty and greedy.

Something in the back of the older's mind screamed at him to stop, that there were too many reasons he shouldn't be doing this, that the consequences wouldn't be pretty. But he didn't care. He would never be able to care about any of that ever again.

Because right then and there – with the way Sehun's fingers gently caressed him, the way Sehun's lips eagerly responded to every urgent kiss, the way Sehun desperately tried to catch his breath and keep on kissing him at the same time, the way Sehun's hips slowly started to move and grind and push against his – Luhan decided that Oh Sehun was perfect for him.

_Perfect._

After a while Sehun detached his lips from the desirable lock hold. “Please tell me that you won't be disgusted tomorrow,” he whispered huskily, fear apparent in his voice. His grip tightened on Luhan's nape.

The latter stroked the younger's waist reassuringly. “I promise I won't.”

 

 

~

 

 

I hope you liked this chapter.

~ Freeza :D


	6. Reward & Punishment

 

 

~

 

 

**VI. REWARD & PUNISHMENT**   
  


 

“Your uncle wants to build a new church in Seoul,” Luhan's mother announced at the breakfast table the next morning.

“Oh? Does he?” Luhan asked, barely interested in the topic.

“Yes, he does. And if you ask me, it is more than necessary,” she wrinkled her nose, but her voice sounded unusually joyful talking about such pleasant news. “Seoul is getting more and more out of hand lately. They even allow _those festivals_ … It's about time to bring our good Christian moral values back into that city.”

Luhan looked at her in confusion. “What festivals?”

“Oh, you know where _these people_ walk around and promote their sinful agendas.”

Luhan felt like he should have understood that hint but he still didn't get it. He rolled his eyes and kept on eating his toast.

“By the way, you aren't meeting with that heathen boy anymore, are you?” his mother asked sharply.

“No, of course not,” he lied. “Why would I?”

‘Hmph’ was the only answer he got.

Funnily, Luhan knew very well why he would want to meet Sehun again. He couldn't get the events of yesterday's evening out of his head. He needed to see the younger again. As soon as possible. He needed to kiss him again. Every second that he couldn't do so he felt more like being lost in a desert. _Thirsty, incredibly thirsty …_

“Have you heard?” his mother brought up a new topic. “The daughter of the Ryu family … she's … _gay_!” She spat that last word like it was the most horrible disease in the world. “Her parents should be ashamed of themselves to let her live like this.”

Luhan stopped eating his toast. “Well, it's her life, mom …”

“It's a _sin_!” she declared and stared at her son with an alienated gaze, not understanding why he would defend such a lifestyle. “It's against God. How could you not know that? Haven't you been reading your Bible?”

“I have, mom.”

“Well, then you know that God forbids such lewd and sinful ways. Man and woman were made for each other, not woman and woman or man and man. Am I right, honey?” she asked her husband who sat in his chair and absentmindedly read the newspaper.

“Sure, sure, sweetie,” he muttered and flipped to the next page.

Luhan's mother turned towards her son again with a venomous look. “There you have it. She needs to be punished for disrespecting the Lord's orders like that. If one chooses to live such a sinful life, God's wrath is all one deserves for he created the two genders only for each other. And her parents should be punished for allowing such blasphemy. And all that in _our community_ …”

Luhan gulped and his stomach churned.

He knew the verses that his mother was talking about. After all, he had read the bible so many times. It said that homosexuality was forbidden, but so was wearing mixed fabrics. Thus, he had never given it much thought. At least, not until now.

 

It was late at night.

Luhan was laying in his bed, staring at the cross on his wall. His thoughts wouldn't let him find sleep.

Ever since he met Sehun, ever since he started to think about him as more than just a friend, and ever since he started thinking that kissing him was the most wonderful thing on earth, heaven and hell together, Luhan noticed that it became consistently more difficult for him to actually feel a connection to God.

He never had a problem with finding God near him or in himself. He always sat down to pray and he would feel the comforting aura surrounding him, the wise notion that sparked in his mind. But lately … _lately_ he just stared at the cross, trying to pray, but nothing happened. It made Luhan feel scared and confused.

He wondered … Could his mother's words from this morning be true? Were Luhan's romantic feelings towards Sehun – a heathen boy – a sin?

Luhan didn't want to think that this was true. To him, God had always been fair and just and forgiving. He only punished the ones who were mean and hateful. Luhan's God wouldn't hate him … would he?

He tried to pray again and stared at the cross with slight desperation rising in his chest. “Am I doing the right thing?” he whispered, hoping for an answer, since he wanted by no means to violate the rules that God made for them all.

He didn't get an answer. And that seemed to be happening increasingly often, too.

Instead, the picture of Sehun's smiling face appeared Luhan's mind and he couldn't manage to think of one way why this could be wrong.

 

~

 

Luhan had his head laying on Sehun's lap while the younger was stroking his hair.

“Don't stop!” Luhan muttered, enjoying the treatment.

Sehun chuckled, “You are really lazy sometimes, you know that? I wanna get my head pat too.” He pouted cutely.

Luhan giggled. “Later …”

“You've been saying that for over an hour.”

“And I told you to be patient, you brat.”

“Do you want me to stop?!” Sehun threatened jokingly.

“No, no. Don't stop!” Luhan grabbed the taller's hand to keep it where it was.

Sehun chuckled again, his eyes forming those endearing crescent moon shapes.

Luhan wasn't able to turn his gaze away.

“What?” the younger asked.

“I think I love you.”

Sehun's hands froze and his eyes widened. His breath hitched and he stuttered, “I-I think I love you, too.”

Luhan smiled and lifted his arm to caress Sehun's cheeks that blossomed in a pink hue.

 

Sehun pushed Luhan onto his bed, just to straddle him the next moment. He grabbed the older's collar and pulled him nearer by the neck so that he could indulge into another passionate meeting of their lips, again and again.

Luhan moaned into the kiss. “Gosh, Sehun! I love you …”

The latter grinned and bit down on Luhan's lower lip. Their tongues were playing lustfully and exploring each other's cavern. Sehun gripped onto the older's shoulders, his hips slowly shifting on Luhan's lap.

Luhan had his fingers caressing Sehun's slim waist and crawling upwards over the fabric of his shirt. (They were still fully dressed for they both didn't dare to go further yet.) Luhan thumbed the younger's protruding collarbones, having the sudden desire to kiss them. So that's what he did.

Sehun gasped in surprise and pleasure when he felt Luhan softly nibbling on his clavicles and a shiver ran down his spine. “Luhan …”

The latter's right hand was moving up to his lover's neck to get a better hold while he continued to tantalize his skin.

That's when Sehun suddenly froze in his love struck and passionate state. He grabbed Luhan's hand on his neck and pulled away carefully.

The older looked at him in confusion. “Did I do something wrong? Are you alright?”

Sehun nodded but averted his gaze for a moment and climbed off Luhan. He sat on the bed next to him. “I'm alright but please … don't touch me there again. Or at least be very, very careful.” He pointed at the right side of his neck.

Luhan sat up with his disheveled hair and swollen lips. “What's the matter?”

Sehun gnawed on his lips and looked away yet again. “It's just … when I was sick back then … I needed a huge operation. A few actually. And because of that … I still have to be careful with my neck at that side especially … and I shouldn't make too dynamic movements with that area in general. It could be dangerous for me.”

“Oh,” Luhan didn't know what to say for a moment. “You should have told me,” he eventually said.

“I know.” Sehun didn't look at him. “I know, I should have. But I just don't like talking about it.”

“It's okay,” Luhan muttered and moved closer. He lifted Sehun's chin and looked him deep in the eyes. “But promise me, you will tell me someday. About your sickness I mean. If stuff like this happens, it worries me. I would like to know.”

“I will tell you,” Sehun nodded. “But … not today.”

“Okay,” Luhan caressed the other's cheek lovingly. “And I promise I will be careful.” He kissed him softly on the lips and Sehun sighed in satisfaction.

 

That evening Sehun fell asleep on Luhan's lap. The latter had been playing with his hair.

Luhan hadn't said anything but while he was busy twisting the younger's soft, full hair into little locks he had discovered something. A scar. A _big_ scar.

From a little above his right ear, across the skullcap towards his nape there was a scar hidden beneath Sehun's fluffy locks. And there was a little dent in his right temple, too. A feeling of imminent shock had flooded through Luhan when he saw it for the first time because he realized that Sehun's skull must have been cut open before.

 

~

 

**7 months later:**

 

Sehun flashed Luhan a happy smile when the older walked down the stairs past him and Luhan returned it with one of his own. With aching hands Sehun continued to walk up the stairs to carry the big box into his and Luhan's new home.

 

The new home was a two-room apartment near Korea University, the place where they would very soon start their first semester. They had both managed to get very good grades for their university entrance exam and got accepted into this prestigious university.

Sehun would study medicine as planned and Luhan anthropology – much to everyone's surprise. The latter's parents weren't all too happy with that decision but grudgingly accepted it since Luhan shut them down with the argument that they themselves had never achieved to get into the SKY-Universities so now they shouldn't tell him what to do.

Since Luhan and Sehun came from rather affluent families, it wasn't a problem for them to find a suitable place for their needs. Right when they knew that they could go to the same university, they decided on moving in together. They would be able to live and love together and no one would bother them. Luhan's parents didn't know that the two of them would live together – in fact, Luhan had managed to keep his ongoing relationship a secret from them and he wanted it to stay that way.

Sehun's parents, however, knew about them and luckily they didn't mind. His mom was even excited to hear about them when Sehun mustered all his courage one day and told them. She thought they fitted perfectly and supported their wish to move together. Not only because she didn't want stand between them, but also because she was glad that there would be someone who could watch after Sehun and his health just in case something happened, as she told Luhan one evening. Luhan still didn't know everything about Sehun's illness. It bothered him but he didn't want to force the younger if he was that uncomfortable with the whole issue.

 

Sehun dumped the box onto the ground and watched his mom unpack them.

She noticed him staring at her and looked him in the eyes sort of regretfully. “Oh my boy …” she muttered and came over to hug him and he hugged her back.

It would be the first time he spent such a long time without his adoptive parents, especially his mom. “I will miss you,” he mumbled.

“I will miss you too,” she responded. “So, so much. Please promise me that you will immediately go to the hospital in case you feel weird or anything.”

“Yes, mom. I promise,” her son nodded.

“You should tell Luhan, you know. You two now live together. He has a right to know.”

Sehun sighed and his gaze dropped to the ground. “I know.”

“Imagine how shocked he will be if something happened to you and he didn't know what to do.”

“I … I will tell him, mom.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

Her expression turned from serious to inquisitive. “And promise me another thing?”

“What is it?”

“Please … do me and yourselves a favor and use condoms and lu–”

“OH MY GOD, MOM!” Sehun screeched and turned beet red.

“Well, it's important to know and –”

“Mom, _please_!” he begged with an aghast face.

“Okay,” she muttered. “I guess you have done it already, anyways …”

Sehun turned even redder, if that was possible. “Actually … we haven't … Not like that at least …”

“Oh! I see …” She turned her view back on the carton left to unpack. “Well, I'm surprised. I thought you two would have –”

“ _Mom, please!_ Can we not talk about this?”

 

“Do you think it hurts?” Sehun asked vaguely that evening when he and Luhan sat on the floor to eat dinner. The furniture wasn't set up yet.

Luhan looked at him confusion. “What hurts?” he asked with his mouth full.

“It's just … my mom wanted me to promise her this afternoon that we would always use condoms and lube and … yeah …” Sehun tried to explain with blushing cheeks.

Luhan turned equally pink. “Oh.”

For a while neither could say a word.

“So, yeah …” Sehun eventually said. “I've been wondering. If it hurts.”

“I heard that it does. That you should … be prepared properly and stuff …”

“Looks like we have a lot to learn then …”

“Yes,” Luhan replied with a smirk. 

“I haven't given the technicalities too much thought so far,” Sehun mused.

“Me neither,” the older admitted. “To be honest … I had always planned to only have sex after marriage because, well … you know why … But I said goodbye to that idea long ago. It's not like it's possible for me now, anyway.”

Sehun stared at the ground with a gloomy feeling in his tummy, well aware of the underlying message in Luhan's words. “I'm sorry.”

“It's not your fault,” Luhan stated. “It's the world we live in …”

 

~

 

Sehun pressed Luhan against the cold tiles of the shower wall while the warm water poured down on them.

Luhan gasped at the contradicting feeling. Sehun's hands were all over his body, caressing every centimeter.

Their dicks were fully erect and rubbing against each other, causing them to moan because of the pleasuring sensation. Their lips met in a hot kiss, their tongues dancing a lustful dance, devouring each with ravishing appetite.

Sehun's fingers were teasingly playing with Luhan's hard nipples, twisting and turning them.

The latter moaned deeply into the kiss. “Fuck, Hunnie …” He let his fingers claw into Sehun's back while the younger broke the kiss to continue torturing him with delightful nibbles and sucks on his neck.

Sehun brought a hand down to grab their dicks together and jack them off leisurely.

A shiver ran down Luhan's back and a keen whine escaped his lips.

He felt the hot air of Sehun's breath on his neck as the taller chuckled.

Their hips began thrusting into the fist that was moving up and down in a regular pace.

“Hunnie, please …” Luhan mewled. “Please go faster …”

“As you wish,” Sehun groaned and sped up his movements.

Their mouths promptly rejoined and they kissed away their breathlessness while gripping onto each other, knowing that even like this it wasn't close enough. They needed so much more. _They needed to be even closer._

Luhan grabbed Sehun's ass cheeks and massaged them, causing the younger to elicit a sharp growl and squeeze their cocks even harder.

The older shivered in anticipation, feeling hotness building up in the low of his belly. “Hunnie, come on …” he demanded.

Sehun thumbed the crowns of their cocks for a while until he dropped to his knees and pressed Luhan's shifting hips against the cold wall again. He grabbed the red, proud length of his lover and licked across the head, glistening from precum. 

Luhan yelped fervently, being caught completely off guard by Sehun's bold actions. “Goddammit, Sehunnie!”

The latter licked Luhan's cock up and down and place his tight grip at the base and then swallowed it as deep as he could. He bobbed his head, enjoying how much more ragged the other's breath got every second passing.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Luhan huffed. “Sehunnie, I think I'm gonna –”

Sehun retreated just in time when spurts of cum hit his face and Luhan voiced out a throaty moan. The younger continued jacking himself off until the other dropped to his knees as well and drew him into another ardent kiss, taking over the frantic movements on Sehun's still erect cock.

With Luhan quickly flicking his wrist, combined with the tugging and pulling of his teeth on Sehun's lips, it didn't take the latter long to cum. With a strangled moan he released into Luhan's moving hand, his vision blurring momentarily.

It took a while for their breaths to calm down. The water was soothing their over-stimulated bodies and washed away most of their cum. Some was still sticking on Sehun's cheek.

Luhan stared at his boyfriend in awe. “You're so damn beautiful,” he whispered and placed another chaste kiss on those lips he loved so much.

Sehun giggled lovingly.

 

“You look hot!” Sehun exclaimed when Luhan finally stepped out of the shower with a towel wound around his hips. Droplets of water were still glistening on his toned chest and stomach. The older had started working out some time ago and by now a result was already visible.

“I may look hot, but I'm freezing. Where's my bathrobe?” Luhan answered, trying to suppress a shiver.

“Over there!” Sehun pointed at the hooks on their bedroom door. “You always forget that, don't you?”

“Apparently.” The older walked over and slipped into the warm robe, slumping onto the couch next to Sehun who had already selected a movie for them to watch. It was, after all, a tradition they maintained. They still hadn't set up all of the furniture but the couch and TV were important.

“Sehunnie …” Luhan began then. “I've been thinking …”

“About what?”

“That you should finally tell me what sickness it was that you were having back then.”

Sehun gulped but didn't answer.

“It's not like I wanna pressure you to tell me something that you don't wanna talk about but … we live together now and … I know that whatever sickness it was, it is still affecting you. That you could have a relapse or whatever. And I need to know what it is that I might have to deal with.”

“I know …” Sehun muttered with droopy eyes.

“So will you tell me?”

Sehun sighed and nodded meekly. “It's just really hard for me to talk about, but yeah …”

“Why is it so hard for you?”

“Because I'm afraid.”

“Of what?”

“That you will leave me if you know …”

 

 

~  


 

 

I hope you liked this chapter. (~>_>)~

~ Freeza :D


	7. A Glimpse Of Heaven

 

 

~

 

 

**VII. A GLIMPSE OF HEAVEN**   
  


 

“Why would I leave you?” Luhan asked in confusion.

“I just … I'm not sure, okay?!” Sehun tried to explain desperately. “When I was still living in Busan I told a few friends about my illness, so that they knew. They listened but afterwards they slowly distanced themselves from me. It was too much for them to deal with …” He stared at the frozen TV screen with a hint of tears in the corner of his eyes.

Immediately Luhan's troubled mind calmed down. “Sehun … whatever you're gonna tell me, whatever it is that you are dealing with … I promise – … I _swear_ that I am not going to leave you. I love you. Leaving when you are telling me something so important and then knowing what sort of hardship it is … I could never do that.” He shifted right next to his boyfriend who had his eyebrows frowned into worried wrinkles. With his index finger, Luhan stroked over them. “So, don't worry. I am here for you.”

Sehun took a deep breath. “Okay, then …”

Luhan looked at him expectantly. He didn't show it but deep down he felt nervous and anxious. Sehun had been careful to keep this stuff a secret from him until now. He wondered how bad it would be.

“I was born with weak vessel walls,” Sehun began. “In my case this weakness contributed to the sickness I got later on. My veins stretch a lot more than they should, especially when my blood pressure is high.” Sehun then stared at the bags that were still standing in the corner where he knew his pills were in. “That's why I have to take my pills. They are supposed to keep my blood pressure down over the day. Because if it gets too high over a long time it can become very dangerous for me. High blood pressure makes it easier for the veins to widen.”

Luhan listened attentively but right when Sehun started speaking, he knew that the boy's health issues would be far more complicated and severe than he expected. He didn't know what he thought Sehun would talk about, but this was truly not what he had in mind.

“When I was down with pneumonia my body was fighting a lot, it was weak and didn't get any proper medicine. And whereas that illness alone would have probably killed me on its own, that's not what happened. Because of the high blood pressure I was having at that point and the vessel weakness, a vein in my brain stretched and eventually … ripped. It's called an aneurysm. It doesn't always result in a bleeding in the brain, but in my case it did. It's kinda like a stroke. If a doctor finds these things in time they can be removed via operation. But it was too late for me. I was lucky enough that my … at that time _teacher_ came by exactly then. I had already passed out when she found me. At least that's what she told me afterwards; I can't remember.”

Luhan felt a cold feeling creep into his body and claw at his guts. Such a severe sickness as a child … He couldn't even fathom the degree to which the little Sehun must have suffered back then.

“Anyway, she brought me to the hospital where they diagnosed my state and operated on me. They had to cut open my skull, but unfortunately it wasn't over after that. Even though I got treated rather quickly, the aneurysm had already caused some damage. The bleeding caused the fluids in my brain to not circulate properly and the pressure on my brain tissue to rise. If it is left untreated for too long it causes you to die because the fluid and the blood literally press down on your brain and damage certain areas. Luckily, I was still in the hospital, so they could quickly treat me. Even though they had to send me to another facility first because not every clinic can treat a case like mine properly … It’s not something that many people suffer from.” Sehun sighed and stared at his fingers. They were shaking a little bit.

Luhan didn't know what to say. He had never heard of this illness before, and the details shocked him even more.

“To prevent something like this from happening in the future, they had to operate on me again,” Sehun continued. “They had to cut open my head and insert something called a shunt. That's basically a small hose from my brain to my stomach that allows the fluid and blood to flow off in case I have another aneurysm and the pressure in my skull rises again. The hose is beneath my skin and there is a little … uhm, _valve_ here close to my right ear.” Sehun pointed at the area that Luhan remembered to be careful when touching. Now he understood why.

“That's about it for my condition,” Sehun mused. All the while he didn't dare to look Luhan in the eye. He was too afraid of perhaps having to see the utter fear and incomprehension in them. “Of course my brain was severely damaged after those operations and the bleeding. It took me very long to get back into life. I am so glad and thankful that my mom and dad adopted me and supported me and … just were the best people I could imagine in such a situation. I had to attend therapies for a long time. I had trouble memorizing stuff and was often very confused. I also had problems with my fine motor skills and had to relearn some of the stuff that seem natural for everyone else. But eventually I succeeded and I am very glad about that. I was able to enter middle school properly, even though I had some struggles at first because I missed out on so much during the three years I was out.”

“Three years?!” was the first thing that Luhan blurted out after not having said anything about the rest so far.

“Yes …” Sehun muttered sadly. “If my … _begetter_ and _birthgiver_ would have cared for me properly, all of that might not have ever happened.”

“Sehunnie, I am so sorry.”

“Well, it's not like I can change anything about it,” Sehun drew his knees up to himself and curled into a ball, leaning into Luhan. “The problem is just … I am still at a very high risk of getting an aneurysm again. I try to live healthy and do everything I can to prevent this from ever happening again, but I don't have any guarantees. And I really don't wanna go through such an excruciating time again. Back then, after I learned about my illness I still had those thoughts in my mind, you know – of all the ugly things that my parents had told me. I honestly thought that this was my punishment for existing and … I needed so much courage to turn against those thoughts and allow my new parents to help me and to accept them so that I could get better. Because that's what I thought back then. That God pushed me into this endless pit of suffering, and he wouldn't help me out. But my new parents did. And I made it out.”

Luhan gulped. His throat felt dry and anxiety paralyzed his limbs. He finally understood completely why the other thought the way he did. How he came to resent the idea of a benevolent Supreme Being. He understood, even though he personally still thought something different. Luhan saw the light of hope in Sehun's new parents, in the fact that the boy had been able to get up again.

Had he said that out loud, Sehun would have retorted that this good God of Luhan's must have rather fucked up morals if he thought it was okay to let a child suffer like this in the first place. But Luhan didn't say it out loud for he knew this discussion was the last thing Sehun needed right now.

“Hunnie …” the older whispered with fear-stricken voice. “What you just said … about maybe getting an aneurysm again … That can't kill you, can it?”

“Unfortunately it can.”

“But you said that you have this … shunt now …”

“That doesn't actually cure me. It's supposed to buy me valuable time in case I ever get an aneurysm again. I mean … I go to the doctor regularly to check if I develop any new ones and so far they haven't found any. But the doctors sometimes can't find them or they develop very quickly and then … they might rip again. If the pressure in my brain is rising, it won't happen as fast with the shunt as it usually would. Normally that condition could kill me very quickly. Like this I have a few hours left until someone can help me.”

“A few _HOURS_?” Luhan choked and his heart started thundering. He stared at the boy cuddled into his side and thought of him suffering, dying … Luhan couldn't bear it.

“Yeah …” Sehun confirmed. “I would first get a very strong headache, that's when the aneurysm rips and the bleeding starts. I would get dizzy and eventually faint. But to be honest … if I am out for that long I'm not sure if I would want anyone to save me.”

“Why not?” Luhan asked with a shaky voice.

“Because if … _if_ I ever wake up then, I might not be the same person anymore. You see, Hannie … In such a case my brain would be under the pressure of the bleeding and the fluid for several hours. It would be very damaged. I doubt that I would ever be able to live a normal or at least somewhat decent life again after that. So in case something happens, it's important to get help very, very quickly. That would prevent a lot of possible brain damage from happening.”

“I see,” Luhan breathed and was silent for a while until he mustered up the courage to ask the question that was bothering him the most. “How likely is it that it happens again?”

“Hard to say,” Sehun admitted, “Probably fifty-fifty.”

And Luhan felt like he was losing ground.

 

The older looked at Sehun with a much different perspective from then on.

Of course, he didn't leave. _Of course not._

On the contrary, he loved and cherished the younger even more if possible because Luhan could honestly admit that he never met any person in his life who was a strong as Sehun was. Luhan liked to think of himself as a positive person but deep down he knew, if he were in Sehun's shoes and had to live with such an atrocious past _and_ a ticking time-bomb in his head that could destroy all his hopes and dreams, he wouldn't be able to keep up his attitude.

Luhan admired how Sehun still managed to stay as joyful as he was, as curious as he was and as optimistic. So the former swore to himself that he would protect the younger from everything that could harm him, to do everything possible so that Sehun wouldn't have to suffer through that same fate again, and to always stay by his side to support and love him.

Because he deserved it. He deserved it so, so much.

 

~

 

“We should have set the bed up first,” Sehun realized when they were done puffing up the cushions.

“Yeah, we should have,” Luhan agreed. “My back is still hurting from that darn thing that calls itself an air mattress.”

They both continued to unpack all their personal belongings to make this new apartment their home. At some point, Luhan also unpacked his beloved cross that he wanted to hang up at his side of the bed.

He felt Sehun's gaze boring into his back and he turned around.

Sehun was staring at the cross with wary eyes and twisted his lips into a scowl.

Luhan bit onto his lip. “I … I can hang it up, right?” he asked carefully.

Sehun hesitated for a moment. “Yeah … sure.”

Luhan nodded thankfully. While he was busy driving the nail for the cross into the wall he spoke again. “I think I finally understand why you don't believe in God. After what you told me yesterday … I mean I obviously still don't agree with you but … I get where you're coming from.”

Sehun stared at Luhan in amazement. It was the first time he ever heard such words coming from the brunette. Words that carried the hint of doubt or at least acceptance of doubt of his own position. He didn't know what to say because he was too surprised to think of a good answer.

“But I still wonder, though …” Luhan muttered. “How you come to live your life so _confidently_ with everything that you have gone through without believing in anything. Because … I wouldn't be able to live like this.”

Sehun let out a short unbelieving laugh. “Who said that I don't believe in anything? I thought you would know me better by now …” He walked over and turned the working Luhan around to face him. “I believe in peace, family, generosity, affection … I believe in love …” He raised his arm to caress the smaller boy's cheek. “I believe in _you_ …”

“Me?”

“Yes, you,” Sehun bent down a little to kiss the other on the lips. “I was so afraid that you would leave me after what I told you, that you wouldn't be able to handle it … yet still you are here. You have been here all along … I believe in you.”

Luhan couldn't describe the firestorm of emotions that broke loose within him when he heard those words. He knew they meant something important but couldn't figure out what exactly.

 

That night when Sehun had already fallen asleep next to him, Luhan turned to his newly hung up cross and prayed. He prayed every night, but this time his thoughts and feelings while doing so were much more intense than usual.

He prayed for Sehun to never get another aneurysm again. He prayed for them both two live a long, happy, healthy life. He prayed for his boyfriend to receive everything he wished for in his life. He had suffered so much – if someone deserved a bright future, it was him. He prayed for himself to stay understanding, loving and supporting of Sehun.

Luhan was so happy right now, lying in his own home, far from his mother's antics, next to the boy he loved who was so cute when he hugged him in his sleep. Luhan didn't want to lose this happiness – ever.

 

~

 

**2 years later:**

 

“It looks so weird when you're sucking my dick with that hair color,” Luhan stated.

Sehun looked up, his lips stretched around the girth of his lover's cock and raised an eyebrow while his newly dyed blonde hair fell into his eyes.

“What?” Luhan asked. “It's true; all this time I had this black mop of hair bobbing down there and now suddenly it's blonde. Like, what?”

Sehun angrily released the red, erect cock from his mouth with a plop. “Luhan, either you shut up or you can literally go fuck yourself.”

“Aw, c'mon! Noooo!” Luhan whined. “I didn't say it looks bad, just weird.”

“And …? What is your point …?”

“Nothing, forget it! Get back down there. You can't leave me like this!”

“Oh, I'm pretty sure I can!” Sehun grabbed the base of the other's cock and squeezed a little too hard.

“Hrngh,” Luhan growled in the back of his throat. “Fuck, sorry. I swear I'm gonna shut up. Now get down there again and move your pretty ass up here.”

“Fine,” Sehun chuckled and placed his knees next to both sides of Luhan's head. He got back to licking the other's proud length up and down again, letting his tongue play with the prominent head and slightly grazing over the shaft with his teeth.

Luhan hissed sharply and grabbed Sehun's ass harshly, causing the younger to yelp. The older pulled the luscious butt cheeks down to him and buried his head between. He licked over the quivering, rosy hole in fat stripes and sucked on the awaiting rim.

Sehun's limbs started shivering and shaking. He was starting to lose his balance. The sensations were too much for him. All the while he continuously moved his head up and down, trying to take in as much of Luhan's dick as he could. In between he moved down further with his lips and nibbled and sucked on the tight, swollen balls.

Luhan had trouble keeping his hips from thrusting upwards. He knew Sehun didn't like those surprise attacks. Instead the older concentrated on eating out the hot cavern in front of him. He slicked him up as well as he could because that was all the lube he would get. He couldn't wait to shove his dick into the velvety tightness.

Luhan flipped Sehun around swiftly so that the younger now laid on his back and his disheveled state was openly sprawled out in front of Luhan's greedy eyes. Sehun's chest was heaving up and down and sweat made his sculpted frame shimmer in the dim light of the bedroom.

Sehun had grown taller over the last few years and his shoulders got even broader compared to when Luhan first met him. Back then Sehun had only been a little taller than him. Now he would tower over the older when they were both standing and his back was honestly big enough for a plane to land on it.

But that wouldn't stop Luhan from fucking Sehun into the sheets if it was his turn to top. And today it was.

Luhan crawled over the younger for his lips to hover above the other's.

When their mouths met in an all-consuming, passionate kiss, Luhan grabbed Sehun's shaky legs and entered him in one swift move.

Sehun groaned loudly into the kiss. “Fuck, Lu …” He gripped onto the latter's back and scratched down when Luhan promptly began thrusting rhythmically into him.

Luhan on the other hand moaned throatily when he felt the nails scratching over his skin and began kissing down Sehun's jawline and his beautiful neck. His kissed and licked and sucked and nibbled until he left red marks to show everyone that Sehun was his and his alone. He grabbed the younger's hips to be able to better thrust into him.

And – _oh!_ – Sehun took his dick with so much grace. Every time the older's cock glided in again his eyelids flickered and he let out those small, little moans that Luhan loved so much. Sehun's body responded fully to the quick and forceful pace that Luhan dictated and moved to meet him on his way, causing them to clash with such power that Sehun swore he saw stars exploding at the edge of his sight every single time.

Sehun opened his eyes that he had closed before to enjoy every of Luhan's touches better, and pushed Luhan back to sit himself on the standing erection right away again.

“Fuck!” he screeched when Luhan's dick hit his sweet spot dead on. Glowing fire burned up in every cell of his body.

Luhan got the hint and pressed his feet on the mattress to jab harshly again and again.

Sehun felt like he was losing every attachment to the world around. All he could feel was Luhan thrusting into him in _all the right ways_. He weakly tried to ride Luhan a little on his own but he was too swept away by the many fervent sensations.

Luhan fully enjoyed the view that Sehun was offering him while he kept on moaning at the tight, hot and soft walls of Sehun's that kneaded his cock. He loved seeing him like this … Eyes glazed over with lust, expression twisting into masks of ardent need, body trembling and winding.

All these years he had been hoping, praying, wishing for God to find him worthy of sending him to heaven after he died. But now … now Luhan was wondering whether he had found heaven already – in the form of the young man sitting on top of him in his sweaty, stunning, magnificent, glorious state of self, moaning with the voice of an angel. If he could only ever be with Sehun like this he wouldn't need anything else. Only this.

He grabbed the younger's neglected and erect length.

Sehun keened loudly.

Luhan rubbed up and down, thumbing over the crown.

Sehun finally joined in with Luhan's rhythm and humped downwards.

Their movements grew more and uncontrolled and erratic. Luhan thrusts became sloppy and Sehun grabbed his own dick too. He felt the orgasm build up within him and so did Luhan. Chasing their own release, their lips met again.

“Luhan, Luhan, Luhan …” Sehun moaned into the kiss.

A last powerful stroke from Luhan and Sehun came with a loud moan between them, the sound resounding in the room. He tightened his walls around Luhan who spurted his load in Sehun with a husky growl.

Immediately, strength left Sehun's body and he collapsed on Luhan, who embraced the quivering body frame into his arms and buried his nose in the actually very sexy-looking blonde hair. “I love you so frickin' much, do you know that?” he huffed.

Sehun snickered breathlessly. “I love you too,” he whispered and kissed Luhan's neck softly.

 

Sehun had fallen asleep in his arms and now Luhan spent his time adoring the sight of him. He softly traced the perfect features with his fingers and once in a while placed a soft kiss on the cheeks, nose and forehead.

He hoped that Sehun was having nice dreams. Sometimes the latter would wake up in the middle of the night, having a terrible nightmare where the demons of his past had tortured him again. Luhan would gladly spend all night comforting and distracting him.

Luhan prayed again as he did every night. He prayed for the best for them. He prayed for the best for Sehun, for him to be healthy, to be happy, to be carefree.

Luhan was still so incredibly happy to be able to live with Sehun. There was so much love in him that he sometimes felt like he would burst from it. He prayed for this feeling to never stop.

 

 

~  


 

 

I hope you liked this chapter.

~ Freeza :D


	8. Harboring Illusions

 

 

~

 

 

**VIII. HARBORING ILLUSIONS**   
  


 

“Jongin broke up with his girlfriend,” Luhan stated after a quick look at the text message he got from his best friend of many years.

“Again?” Sehun raised an eyebrow and placed the two cups filled with steaming coffee on the breakfast table.

“No, it was another one this time.”

“Bruh … I can't keep up with this guy's affairs. Seriously, how many girlfriends has he had in this year alone?”

“What can I say? I am slowly losing track, too …”

“Remember the one who slapped him right across the face once?” Sehun mused and chuckled at the memory. They had gone to a Halloween party in Hongdae about one and a half years ago when Jongin had accompanied them. His girlfriend caught him making out drunkenly with another woman.

“Ha! Yeah …” Luhan snickered and went over to the toaster to get their bread. “He deserved it though.”

“Yeah, he did.” Sehun sat down and grabbed the glass of strawberry marmalade. “He always hooks up with these super nice and pretty girls and then he fucks it up. I wonder if he'll ever learn.”

“I think we'll have to wait for a long time before he gets it,” Luhan spread the marmalade on his toast and folded it in half a little agitatedly. “I mean, you should be glad that you're not the one who has to deal with him every time he gets drunk and wallows in his misery again. _Luhaaaan, how come you are so happy and I am so unhappy? Tell meeeee!_ ” He rolled his eyes.

Sehun giggled. “Jongin really said that?”

“Yeah, countless times. I tell him every time it's his own fault that he is so miserable but he just doesn't get it.”

They ate their breakfast in silence until Sehun remembered what he wanted to ask the older. “By the way, Hannie … who was it that called so early in the morning?”

“Uh …” Luhan groaned. “My mother.”

“Of course,” Sehun sighed. “Who else would call at that hour. What did she want?”

“A few years ago my uncle started building a church here in Seoul. It's finished now. She wants me to attend the opening liturgy on Sunday.”

“I see …”

“I'm not exactly keen on going there. It means I have to see all my relatives again and I'm just _so not_ in the mood for that … But yeah, I gotta go. Otherwise I would risk my parents coming here and dragging me out by my feet.”

“Yeah, okay. Of course you gotta go then.”

“I mean, I'm just so glad that everything worked out until now, so I don't wanna risk them finding out.”

“Luhan, I understand,” Sehun responded softly.

“It's just, it will probably take all day. The liturgy will start in the morning and they planned some big celebration after that and whatnot … So I will probably come home in the evening.”

“It's okay, I'm gonna spend my time studying then, I guess. I've got a test on Monday anyway.”

 

~

 

Luhan woke Sehun up, who was still soundly sleeping despite the rays of sunlight that enlightened the room already. “Wake up, sleepyhead,” Luhan singsonged.

Sehun stirred awake with a groan and blinked cutely.

Luhan almost cooed at the sight.

“Uhhh … Luhan, why you gotta wake me up at this time?” the younger mumbled sleepily. “And why are you wearing a suit?”

“I gotta go to church, remember? It's Sunday …” Luhan knelt down next to the bed and caressed Sehun's cheek.

“Oh yeah, right …” the latter mumbled and enjoyed being pampered.

“I just wanted to say goodbye.”

“Okay, see you later then. Shall I buy us something from McDonald's when I come home?”

“Sounds good,” Sehun muttered and closed his eyes again. “I'm just gonna go back to sleep …”

“Fine,” Luhan chuckled. “I'm gonna text you later, okay?”

“Yup.”

Luhan stood up and gave Sehun a big smooch on his forehead. “Have nice dreams, sleepyhead. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Sehun mumbled.

Luhan walked to the wardrobe, grabbed his jacket and left.

 

When he was sitting in church that day, surrounded by his relatives and homophobic parents, Luhan for the first time felt like a church was actually the wrong place for him to be. He had always felt at home in churches. It was where he could sense an even stronger connection to God, where it was almost tangible for him. But not today.

He felt as if he could do ten thousand things better than sitting here and listening to his uncle talking up front at the podium. Luhan just felt utterly confused because actually … these people were supposed to be praising God, but all they did was praising themselves for their _oh-so-great_ achievements that Luhan deemed to be of so little worth. They talked about how this church was supposed to be a home for love and God but Luhan could feel neither of it in here. Luhan's love and God had to be at some other place as it seemed …

 

After the liturgy ended Luhan stepped out and felt relieved to breathe in fresh air. The church was poorly ventilated and the air got so stuffy after a while.

He pulled out his phone to text his boyfriend.

_> hey you awake already? ^^<_

_> that was the most boring sunday service i ever attended<_

_> didn't know that going to church could be so lame<_

_> text me when you're awake<_

Luhan put his phone back into the pocket of his pants and followed his mother's calls to get in the car with her.

 

They went to an expensive looking, western restaurant. Apparently his uncle had reserved a whole wing just for them.

When he walked inside, Luhan was in awe for a short moment when he saw the chic red carpets on the floor and chandeliers dangling from the ceiling. Velvety curtains hung around the big windows that allowed the guests to enjoy a great view of the Han River.

Something that his uncle had said during his speech crossed Luhan's mind. About God loving the poor. _How ironic._

Luhan pulled out his phone again. No reply yet.

Well, it wasn't even noon yet. Sehun was probably still sleeping.

 

_> sehunnie … are you awake now? .-.<_

_> you haven't been replying me ;;<_

_> i hope you got your phone on loud because you should wake up now<_

_> you said you wanted to study for your test tomorrow<_

 

_> sehunnie … it's afternoon and you still haven't replied me<_

_> i'm getting worried<_

 

_> for fuck's sake sehun look at your goddamn phone<_

_> i can't go home yet<_

_> plz reply me<_

 

_> sehunnie it's 4pm now and you still haven't replied or even read any of my texts yet<_

_> i'm really worried now<_

_> my mother is kinda suspicious already, she keeps on asking me who i'm texting all the time<_

_> i don't want her to find out<_

 

_> sehunnie plz don't scare me like this<_

 

_> ok sehunnie<_

_> i'm in panic now<_

_> i'm coming home<_

_> i don't care if anyone finds out<_

 

Luhan ran.

He ran like never before in his life. As soon as the taxi came to a stop, he bolted out of the car and dashed into his and Sehun's apartment building.

He stumbled up the stairs with shaking fingers, hands, knees, legs, shaking body.

His heart was thundering in fear.

_Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay, please be okay!_ , was the mantra that was replaying in his head over and over again.

Sehun hadn't been replying him all day long and Sehun _never_ did that. The younger usually had his phone within an arm's length. He usually responded quickly with two hours delay at most.

So now, Luhan was shaking. Sehun should have messaged him long ago. It was also a way for Luhan to know that the younger was fine, that nothing happened.

But he didn't … but he didn't … _but he didn't answer_.

Luhan knew what it meant and he prayed to God and everyone else who might be able to help that it was all just a stupid coincidence. That Sehun's phone broke or whatever …

But fear was sitting in his throat, making it hard for Luhan to breathe while his fingers gripped around the handrail with force until his knuckles turned white.

Luhan stormed towards the door of his apartment and barged through the door as soon as he opened it.

“Sehun!?” he screamed. “Where are you?”

Then he saw them. The legs behind the table, lying on the floor.

…

“SEHUN!”

 

 

~  


 

 

DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUUN!!!! Much tension, much angst ~~~

I hope you like this chapter, though ...

~ Freeza :D


	9. The Accusation

 

 

~

 

 

**IX. THE ACCUSATION**   


 

Fear – cold, icy, relentless fear – was paralyzing Luhan while he sat in the waiting room of the hospital. It was way past midnight.

Sehun's parents sat across him. They had rushed to Seoul as fast as they could after Luhan had called them.

Anxious silence suffocated them. They didn't know whether Sehun would ever wake up again. The surgeons had already been operating on him for a couple of hours. So far they hadn't gotten any word about the boy's condition.

Luhan was fearfully biting on his lower lip and kneading his hands which just wouldn't stop shaking. He was afraid. _He was so afraid._

A million texts from his mother bombarded his phone since he had left the celebration early in such a hurry, but Luhan didn't care. The only thing on his mind was the picture of an unconscious Sehun, face pale, barely breathing. God knows how long he had been unconscious for before Luhan found him …

Luhan blinked away tears that formed in the corner of his eyes. “This is all my fault,” he whispered with a hollow voice.

Sehun's mom looked up. “It's not. Don't even start thinking that way.”

“But it is,” Luhan breathed huskily. “If only I were there –”

“You wouldn't have been able to do anything either.”

“I could have called the ambulance a lot earlier …”

“Luhan …” the woman said softly but with a tearful voice. “This could have happened any other day, any other moment and any other situation. We should be glad that you managed to find him in time.”

“We don't know if I was in time … yet,” Luhan responded.

“I'm sure the doctors will save him. They know what they're doing,” Mrs Jeong spoke confidently but Luhan heard the slight wavering anyway.

“But I should have been there,” Luhan repeated. “I should have known earlier that something wasn't right, I should have –”

“Luhan, it's _not_ your fault. If you start thinking like this you will just drown yourself in guilt and that's not going to help anyone.”

“But whose fault is it then?” Luhan muttered and he couldn't hold the tears back in anymore. He needed someone, _something_ to blame. He needed an outlet. There was so much anxiety and sheer panic pent up within him that he just needed a reason to let it out even if it had to be himself.

“Sometimes bad things just happen,” Mrs Jeong responded. She, too, was fighting tears.

“But why to Sehunnie? He doesn't deserve this!” Luhan pulled up his legs and curled himself to a ball. “He doesn't deserve this …”

 

After another hour of tense, anxious waiting, a doctor finally entered the waiting room and looked at Sehun's parents who stared at him in fearful anticipation.

“He will live …” the doctor immediately announced and everyone took a deep breath in relief, “... _but_ …” the surgeon continued, “… he was unconscious for at least five hours when he was brought here. It's a miracle that he survived for this long. When … _if_ he ever wakes up again … he will most definitely suffer from severe brain damage.”

Sehun's parents nodded in sad understanding. They had always been well aware of the danger that their adopted son lived in. They had talked about this matter many times. Even though they were devastated to know that Sehun's future now laid in ruins, they weren't exactly surprised. They knew that the chances for this to happen had been high to begin with.

But Luhan wasn't prepared. He thought he would be, but he wasn't.

He had known about Sehun's health condition for a long time now but it hadn't bothered him. Probably because he never worried about it enough. He had always been so happy and satisfied to be with the other that the thought of Sehun's illness actually striking again didn't really occur to him, as he realized now. He had known but he hadn't actually _known_. Luhan felt like he was pushed into a deep, dark hole in the ground. He fell and fell and coldness enfolded him, crept into his mind, his soul and heart.

“We found three new aneurysms in his head,” the doctor continued and Luhan could only listen in horror. “One of those ripped and caused the bleeding. We had to remove the other two that we found and the ripped one needed to be fixed. We also had to insert a new shunt, which was why it took us so long. So far, he is still in artificial coma and is lying in the intensive care unit where he will probably stay for a long while. We will keep him in the artificial coma for at least two weeks until we're sure that his wounds are healing properly and there aren't any more new aneurysms forming in his head. Then we will try to wake him up again. But honestly … we don't know if it will work.”

“I understand,” Sehun's mom nodded and pulled a handkerchief out of her jacket to wipe away her tears. She buried her face in her husband's chest, who stroked over her back with a pained expression on his face while he tried to comfort her.

Luhan sat on his seat and felt so lonely, so small, _so helpless_. He had never felt this helpless before. Luhan was all about helping and supporting and standing up for the people who needed it. The people who deserved it. The people he loved.

But he couldn't. Not now.

Especially not now – the situation in which Sehun would need help the most – Luhan couldn't do anything for him. And this realization caused Luhan so much anguish that he felt like he was being ripped apart from the inside out.

 

~

 

Luhan didn't feel like himself when he followed Sehun's parents and the doctor to the room where his boyfriend was laying. He felt like he was watching himself slowly walking, almost stumbling a few times with dark circles beneath his eyes with the dawn gradually beginning to shine through the windows of the hospital.

There was a storm of raging emotions inside him that he didn't know how to stop. Never had he felt so desperate, so hopeless, so confused and disoriented. He objectively understood what today meant for him and Sehun, but his heart just couldn't fathom the extent to which his life would change from now on.

And it happened so quickly.

The one second Luhan was giving Sehun a happy goodbye kiss and the next moment … it was all … gone.

Within a day, Luhan's happy life came crashing down on him like a house of cards.

 

The doctor opened the door to a room into which Luhan and Sehun's parents followed quietly.

And in no way could Luhan have prepared himself for the sight that presented itself in front of his eyes.

A million pipes and wires somehow plugged themselves into Sehun as if he were merely a machine and not a human anymore. A breathing hose in his mouth kept him from suffocating in the artificial coma; another one through his nose would provide nutrition; the ultrasound heart monitor was beeping at a regular pace. The drainages were pumping medications, strong narcotics and painkillers into his blood.

His head was shaved bald – gone was the fabulous, new, blonde hair. A thick bandage was wound around it to cover up the places where they had cut open his skull.

Sehun was such a tall guy with broad shoulders but he seemed so small in the hospital gown draped around his chest. He seemed to drown amidst all the hoses and white bedding.

Luhan couldn't bear it.

He couldn't bear seeing the man he loved like this. He couldn't bear that his lovely, headstrong, genuine, adorable, handsome, joyful boyfriend was reduced to this. To a human being, severely disabled from now on, barely kept alive by machines.

He couldn't bear it.

So he ran.

 

Luhan wondered if it was possible for anyone to just live a completely happy life from the beginning to the end. He had lived so carefree until now, he thought. Sure, there had been some not so pretty episodes, but nothing – _nothing_ – could compare to the agony he was going through now. He wondered if, at the end of day, people were supposed to live in a balance between happiness and sadness. He had lived so happily until now. Was this his balance? Had he consumed all of his happiness for his life on earth already?

He loved Sehun so, so much. And now the boy was hurt, his brain was damaged, and Luhan couldn't do anything. Would he ever be able to look Sehun in the eyes again? Tell him that he loved him? Would Sehun even understand him if he did? Would he ever be able to laugh and joke around with the younger? Would they be able to watch movies together? Go out and drink bubble tea? Kiss each other? _Love each other?_

Would they ever be able to be happy again?

He didn't know, and that was probably what scared him the most.

 

~

 

“There you are!” Mrs Jeong exclaimed when she spotted Luhan sitting on one of the tables at the hospital's kiosk. “I've been looking for you.”

“Sorry,” Luhan muttered robotically while he mindlessly stared into nothing.

The woman walked towards the kiosk and bought coffee and snacks for them. She pulled out the chair across from Luhan and sat down. “Here,” she shoved one of the cups and a cereal bar in his direction. “You look like you need it.”

Luhan stared at her and slowly stretched out his arm to pull the cup towards him. He lifted his shaking hand to take a few tiny sips. “How can you be so calm already?” he muttered, barely audible.

“I'm not calm, Luhan,” Mrs Jeong objected. “I am in pain to know about the danger my son is in. In pain to know about the difficulties that will await him and us all in the future. I just had a few more years to prepare myself for the shock.” She bit into her cereal bar.

Luhan nodded slowly and took another sip. “He will never be even remotely okay, will he?” he choked out.

“No,” she answered simply. “If we're really lucky he might be able to do his own grocery shopping again someday in the far future. If we're really lucky …”

Luhan looked at her. He didn't know how to deal with this situation at all.

“He was unconscious for so long,” she continued. “And all this time the fluids and the blood were pressing down on his brain … If we're not lucky … he might not even remember us at all. Or ever wake up again.”

Luhan gulped and stared at his unopened cereal bar. He looked around and saw some patients of the clinic going for an early morning walk. Some of them were walking alone with their IV stands. Others sat in wheelchairs and were wheeled by nurses. All of them must have undergone some sort of operation on their brain or nerve system, since they were currently in the neurology department. But every single one of them was in better shape than Sehun.

“To be honest,” Mrs Jeong said with regret in her voice, “I'm not sure if we did Sehun a favor by saving his life this time.”

Luhan's head whipped around to stare at her, aghast at what he just heard. “How can you say that?!”

“He will suffer so much again,” she explained. “Maybe even more than last time. I know he doesn't want to go through that again.”

“But … Sehun loves life. He loves living …”

“Yes, he loves _living._ Not trying and failing to live. He won't be able to study anymore. He won't be able to travel anymore. He won't be able to do so many – if not all – of the things that he enjoys doing anymore. He probably won't even be able to do anything on his own. And I know he would hate that. He told me that before. That he wouldn't want to go through the nightmare again. That he didn't want to lose everything. I'm sure he told you something similar.”

Luhan looked down and unwrapped his cereal bar discontentedly. Sehun had indeed once said something along those lines. “Then why …?”

“I can't just let him die. I just can't …” she sniffed and pulled out her handkerchief again. “He's my son.”

Luhan nodded.

They sat in silence for a while, both playing out the best and worst case scenarios in their heads.

“Mrs Jeong,” Luhan asked then. “Why did you choose to adopt Sehun?”

She looked up from her coffee. “I can't bear children,” she responded with a certain finality in her voice. “But I always wanted to have one. When I taught Sehun in elementary school back then, he was always such a friendly, considerate child, so when I found out about his home situation and his sickness it was more than just shocking to me. There I was … wishing for a child of my own and these people were wasting their only son's life away for nothing. I accompanied the ambulance to the hospital and stayed there all day because I was so worried about him and when I was informed about his condition I just broke out in tears. I knew already that Sehun's real parents would no longer be allowed near him and that he would be given to someone else. They had mistreated and abused him too much for a judge to decide otherwise. But then I played the whole thing out in my mind …”

She sighed and her mouth twisted into a grim expression. “The world isn't exactly a nice place. And with Sehun's health problems and his high bills to pay for the hospital and treatments that would be necessary in the future, no one would adopt this boy. He would probably end being shoved from foster family to foster family or sent to a children's home. And I just couldn't let that happen. Sehun had suffered so much already and because of his sickness he would suffer much more later in his life. He didn't serve such a life. So I talked to my husband and thankfully he agreed with me.”

“You two are such good people,” Luhan muttered. He felt a light spark of hope flaring up again within him. “There should be more people like you in this world.”

She smiled sadly.

“Where is your husband, anyway?” Luhan asked to get his mind off this depressing subject.

“Talking with the insurance company. That stuff needs to be taken care of, too.”

“I see.”

“You should go home, Luhan,” Mrs Jeong suggested. “You look so tired.”

“So do you.”

“I will go find a hotel later when all the formalities are settled. But you seriously look like you are going to break down any second. You … don't have to worry about Sehun – at least not for now. He's at the best place he could be at right now. I told the doctors to contact you immediately in case something happens, so you aren't going to miss out on anything.”

Luhan sighed loudly. He truly was exhausted. His eyes were burning and every muscle in his body was screaming from fatigue. But it felt wrong to go. He didn't want to leave Sehun alone. Not when everything went so wrong when he went out last time.

“Please, Luhan. Do yourself and us all a favor. Ruining your health won't make him recover any faster.”

“Okay, I will go home then. But can I say goodbye to him?”

 

The sight of the comatose Sehun still shook Luhan to his core but this time he didn't run away.

With trembling steps, Luhan moved closer and sat down on the chair next to Sehun's bed.

He slowly stretched out his hand and carefully took Sehun wireless hand in his own. It felt so strange in his soft grip. Even in his sleep Sehun would usually respond to Luhan and grab his hand back. But now he didn't move, almost as if he was lifeless. Almost.

“I'm sorry for running away earlier,” Luhan whispered hoarsely. “I shouldn't have done that.” His thumb tenderly caressed the back of the younger's hand as if he would break beneath his touch. “I don't want to leave you, Sehunnie, but I have to get some rest. I will come back later. I will come back every day.”

He bowed his head and pressed a small but loving kiss to Sehun's hand. “Get well soon. I love you.”

 

~

 

Luhan was at home in his and Sehun's apartment. Alone.

It didn't feel right.

Sehun belonged here with him in his arms.

Luhan couldn't sleep. Every worry and fear was creeping back into his thoughts to torment him. His body needed sleep – he knew it – but he couldn't seem to find it.

He sat up in the broad double bed. He had never slept in it alone. He missed Sehun's warmth next to him.

_Sehun … Sehunnie …_

Luhan couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Like a waterfall they poured down his cheeks. Loud sobs and wails erupted from his throat. Shiver after shiver trembled through him.

“Whywhywhywhywhy???” he cried. “ _Sehunnie_ … WHY?” He frantically shook his head and curled into a ball. “Whywhywhy? He doesn't deserve this … What has he ever done to deserve this?”

And in this darkest moment of his life, Luhan remembered.

He turned towards the cross next to his bed and stared at it, uncomprehending.

“WHAT HAS HE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!” he screamed at it. “ANSWER ME!”

There was no answer.

Another sob escaped Luhan's mouth and he stood up with shaking legs. “I prayed to you … I prayed to you every day, every day … _Every. Day.”_

He slowly walked towards it. “I wanted him to be healthy, us to be happy. It's everything that I wanted … all I wanted …” Luhan hissed with tears running down his face. “I PRAYED TO YOU! … and now he is … he will never be … and he doesn't deserve it! He doesn't! How could you let this happen?”

There was no answer.

“Why would you do this?”

No answer.

“He doesn't deserve this. He is an angel. He is so perfect and full of love and hope and joy … He doesn't deserve this … TELL ME WHY!!!!”

No answer.

“Do you even listen to me?”

No answer.

“Do you even care?”

No answer.

…

“Do you even exist?”

No answer.

Luhan flinched and his fingers twitched. In blind rage he grabbed the cross, tore it off the wall and threw it across the room. “AHHHHRGHHH!” he roared. “HE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS!”

And he broke down crying, crying, crying …

 

 

~

 

 

T_T Drama, drama, much drama .... and one more chapter to go ~

~ Freeza :D


	10. Finding Paradise

 

 

~

 

 

**X. FINDING PARADISE**   
  


 

“He will wake up again, Lu,” Jongin muttered and gave his friend a comforting slap on the shoulder.

They sat next to Sehun's bed, staring at it with a somewhat lost expression in their eyes. It's been over a month now, and Sehun was still comatose. The hair on his head was slowly growing back and the bandage got removed a few days ago, leaving the horrifying scar openly visible. A week ago the doctors had stopped injecting him the narcotics but he hadn't woken up yet.

Luhan bit his lower lip. “How do you know that?” he asked dryly.

“I just know, okay,” Jongin mused. “He is strong, you said so yourself. And he loves you. He will wake up again.”

Luhan didn't have that much hope anymore. He still had some but it was shrinking every day. “I'm just so afraid that he will never wake up again. That I will never see him smile again …”

Jongin pulled Luhan into his embrace. “I know, man, I know.”

 

Jongin was deeply worried. Not just about Sehun whom he, by now, considered one of his closest friends too, but also about Luhan.

Never before had he seen his best friend this depressed over such a long time. The reason why was clear, but it still pained Jongin to see the guy who once saved him from those bullies so bravely in such a state.

Over the last couple of weeks Luhan had lost a lot of weight. Clothes that once fit him perfectly were now hanging loosely on his body. He didn't eat anything if no one forced him to.

He was also constantly sleep deprived. He didn't want to close his eyes because he knew if he did he would find himself caught in his worst nightmares again. He spent most of his days and nights at the hospital next to Sehun.

The younger's mother told him to go home once in a while to get a shower but he was always unwilling for he didn't want to leave Sehun's side. He would sit next to his bed and hold his hand, caressing it, occasionally kissing it. He would whisper soft, gentle words to Sehun, hoping that he would wake up soon, hoping that he would recover well. He told him that he loved him, that he missed him, that he wanted him to laugh again. He told him about the news, his parents, Jongin and literally anything that he could think of during the long hours that he sat there and waited. Because who knew? Maybe Sehun could hear him …

 

Jongin felt as if not only were Luhan's looks changing, but also his personality, his nature.

Luhan became jumpy and highly nervous. He would flinch when someone spoke to him unexpectedly. If he wasn't holding Sehun's hand, his fingers would shake and his lips would tremble.

He barely spoke nowadays except for the things he told the sleeping Sehun. Luhan used to be so talkative, but now everything that made him the cheerful, confident person that he once was … was gone. As if Luhan had buried all his love and joy in Sehun and as long as the latter didn't wake up, Luhan wouldn't go back to his former self.

During the time he spent waiting for Sehun to wake, Luhan came to realize something.

All those years ever since he was a child, he had to be allowed to heaven after his death. He had been so fixated on being a good person and praying for happiness that he didn't notice how he had been living in paradise all along. He had been living _with_ his paradise all along.

He didn't need god.

He just needed Sehun.

 

~

 

After a long sleepless night next to Sehun, Mrs Jeong had sent Luhan home with a mildly angered expression. “Don't ruin yourself like this, boy,” she had scolded. “Get home and shower! You're starting to stink again!”

Grudgingly, Luhan had followed his orders because he felt like he really needed to change his shirt again. He had been wearing it for a week now.

Luhan didn't like going home if Sehun wasn't there. It simply didn't feel like home anymore. Home was where Sehun was.

A check on the telephone told him that there were over fifty messages left on his answering machine. Luhan didn't even bother to listen to them. He knew they would all be from his mother. He wasn't in the mood to talk to her. There wasn't anything of importance that he could possibly want to discuss with her.

Luhan didn't go to university either. In fact, he didn't care about anything except for his boyfriend lying in hospital.

Luhan stepped out of the shower when his phone rang. He initially did not want to pick it up but then he saw the caller: Sehun's mother. She rarely called him, and especially not after she just sent him home.

Confusedly he picked up.

“What's the matter?”

“Sehun woke up.”

 

Luhan breathlessly stumbled into the hallway where Sehun's room was.

Mrs Jeong was already waiting for him in front of the room.

“How … How is he?” Luhan panted and rested his hand on his knees for a moment to calm his breath. His heart was pounding in excitement and worry.

“We're not completely sure yet,” she admitted. “He just woke up an hour ago. The doctors have to run many tests. But it is very severe as it seems so far.”

Luhan gulped. “Does he … Does he remember us?”

Sehun's mother smiled lightly. “It seems so, yes. The doctors said that his long-term memory should be fine, but his short-term to mid-term memory seems to be affected … and his motor functions.”

“Can I see him?”

“Yes, but Luhan. Don't forget! He is … different now. And he is still under the influence of the painkillers and medication so he will most likely have trouble understanding things.”

Luhan nodded eagerly. He couldn't wait to see Sehun again. His heart almost popped out of his chest.

He followed Mrs Jeong anxiously through the door and tried to peek at Sehun laying in his bed, but the back of a doctor was blocking his view.

He tippled forwards and around the bed. “Sehun?” he called shakily but with so much love and hope in his voice.

Sehun slowly turned his head away from the doctor in Luhan's direction. His eyes seemed a little cloudy, and he looked confused. He blinked twice. “Lu … han?” he breathed.

“Yes,” Luhan whispered and all strength left his body as he dropped to his knees next to Sehun. “Yes, it's me. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you again.” He grabbed the younger's hand. “I love you, Sehun.”

And for the first time in weeks Sehun returned his grip.

 

~

 

Sehun's condition was indeed severe. Though his long-term memory luckily seemed to work fine, his short-term memory failed him repeatedly.

After the dosage of painkillers and medications got reduced and he was more alert, Sehun began to speak and interact with Luhan and his parents more. He repeatedly asked them where he was, and they had to explain it to him over and over. He was often under the impression that he was still at home and wanted to get his class notes to study for his test the next day. Luhan had to tell him every single time that he wouldn't be able to study anymore for a long time – probably never –, that he had had another aneurysm in his head, that he was still in the hospital. And every single time, Luhan had to watch something breaking in the younger's eyes.

Aside from his memory, Sehun's motor skills were also strongly affected just like the doctors had already suspected. It was really bad at the beginning, where Sehun couldn't even sit up or lay down properly. Not because he wouldn't have been _physically_ able to do it, but the part of his brain that was in charge of such basic actions was so damaged that he simply didn't know _how_ to do it anymore. The doctors said that the brain could relearn such activities over time even if it was as affected as Sehun's. Thus, the boy was soon ordered to attend rehabilitation therapy sessions. He had attended them before – thirteen years ago. But what he needed back then and what he needed now didn't even come close.

Luhan spent his time helping Sehun to sit up and lay down whenever he wanted or needed. He knew he shouldn't do it so often because the other needed to learn how to do it himself again, but it just broke Luhan's heart every time he saw Sehun pressing his hands down on the mattress, trying to push himself up but not knowing how to. It broke his heart to see Sehun closing his eyes in an attempt to concentrate, to remember actively the process of sitting up but failing again. It broke his heart to see Sehun on the verge of tears every single time he couldn't do it. All these little actions that seemed so natural and ingrained for healthy people were reason enough to push him into a hole of desperation. And Luhan just couldn't bear looking at this for too long, so he would hurry over to Sehun and help him up and Sehun would look a little guilty and ashamed because he knew he should have been able to do that.

Luhan explained to him again and again how to sit up properly in the hospital bed. Sehun should grab the metal frame next to him and pull himself up slowly. Sehun tried really hard but continuously failed to recall.

Sehun also always had problems articulating himself right after he woke up, and was often very dazed. But that was mostly due to the medication, Luhan figured. It got better when the doctors reduced the dosage, which made life for everyone – including Sehun – a lot easier. Luhan was finally able to hold conversations with him again, even though that proved to be difficult and frustrating at times since Sehun forgot a lot of the things he said repeatedly during their conversations. But if it was a topic that Sehun was genuinely interested in, Luhan found out that he remembered a lot better – sometimes even until the next day – because Sehun paid special attention in these cases.

But all these things aside, Luhan noticed another change in Sehun. Something about his character and behavior were off. The more the medication wore off, the more his mind awoke and with that, his personality. _Just_ his personality. Sehun was easy to distract, incredibly impatient, irritable, and sometimes even aggressive. It was as if his personality was stripped of all the filters that would have normally kept him from saying or doing certain things. Everything that normally would control a person's behavior or keep it in line if necessary wasn't existent in Sehun's mind anymore. It was strange but Luhan knew he would have to get used to it. Sehun had once told him that he might be changed if he ever got an aneurysm like this one.

Obviously, Sehun did not have proper control over his actions anymore and was, in many ways, not capable of living a normal life anymore. Thus, it was lawfully decided that he would need a legal guardian to take responsibility in case he ever got up with something or needed financial matters be taken care of for him. His opinion on things would from now on not really matter anymore. It was his parents that would decide for him.

 

“I feel so useless,” Sehun muttered and sadly looked at the bubble tea in his hands.

Three months had passed since Sehun had woken up from coma and he could finally sit up properly again. It still took him a long time to do it but at least he could do it on his own. As a reward Luhan had gifted him his first bubble tea in months.

The latter still came by the hospital every day to visit him but only in the afternoons and evenings. In the morning he went to university again. Sehun had been really angry when he found out that Luhan had been slacking off on his education just to sit next to him all day. His long absence from class had been a problem but thankfully a friendly secretary and professor had helped Luhan out when he explained the situation to her.

While he studied again Sehun attended his daily therapy sessions. Luhan thought the younger made good progress, but Sehun didn't seem to think so.

Luhan sighed and shoved Sehun's wheelchair to the side so that he could sit down next to him on the bed. Sehun needed the wheelchair for the same reason why he couldn't sit up at the beginning. He theoretically could but forgot how to do it. He had to relearn this, along with many other processes. Unfortunately, walking was infinitely more difficult than sitting up. 

Sehun now lived in a single room in a special rehab clinic so that he could get all the help he needed. Luhan had brought him some of his favorite stuff from home and helped him to decorate it a little so that the room didn't look all too much like a medical facility.

_Home …_ It was still hard for Luhan to go there alone but it was easier since Sehun had woken up. He hoped that one day Sehun would be able to move in with him again. He wasn't sure though …

“Humans don't need to have a use,” Luhan declared firmly. “We're not machines … _You're_ not a machine.”

Sehun nodded dejectedly. “Maybe … But I feel so worthless …”

“Don't say that. Do you think your parents would have sacrificed so much for you if they thought you were worthless? Do you think I would come by here every day if I thought that? Do you think your friends would visit you if that was the case?”

“Maybe you just feel guilty.”

“ _Bullshit!_ We love you, Sehun!” Luhan spoke animatedly. “ _I_ love you. You're not worthless. You never were and you never will be. Now stop it with those depressing thoughts and drink your bubble tea.”

Sehun nodded again and sipped on his drink. His free hand searched for Luhan's and held it tightly. “It's just so hard, Luhan,” he sniffled. “So hard …”

The boy struggled immensely during his therapy sessions nowadays. Relearning to walk was so tiring for him – especially since he only seemed to fail. Once in a while Luhan would come by to help him and cheer him up if necessary (which it was) and Sehun would feel very ashamed when he only managed to make one step and then fall down again. Standing up itself was a struggle already. Luhan would always tell him that he did a really good job and that he improved a lot but Sehun wasn't sure whether the older only said that out of pity or actually meant it. And truthfully, Sehun knew that he could trust in Luhan, but it were the insecurities within himself that made him question the other's intentions.

“I know, Sehun, I know …” Luhan turned Sehun's face towards him and gave him a soft kiss on his lips, enjoying every second of it. “But I'm here, okay? I'm _here for you_.”

 

Luhan meant what he said. He would always be there for the younger because here was indeed nothing of more importance than Sehun for him in this world. He once had thought that only his belief, God and his family were the things that had the right to be most important in his life. He had been wrong! _So wrong …_

Ever since he had broken down the day Sehun was brought to the hospital Luhan had not taken a step into a church anymore. He doubted whether there was a god at all after all the things he himself went through and saw Sehun going through. What had kept him sane during that time were the encouraging words of Sehun's parents and his friends and his his trust into the abilities of the doctors around him. And that had proven to be at least somewhat successful. If there was a god, Luhan was deeply disappointed.

Luhan had also quit the contact to his family for the most part. One day after Sehun had woken up again he had driven home and patiently listened to the curtain-lecture his mother spewed at him for not reacting to any of her calls and messages for so long. Then he calmly explained to her and his father, who for once was paying attention, his situation and admitted everything. About Sehun, their life together and why he didn't call them back. He then packed his bags, walked past their shocked and disgusted faces and left the house. He wasn't willing to come back if his parents didn't show some sort of insight for he didn't want their negativity in his life. He had enough of that.

 

“I don't know if I can do it this time, Luhan. Not again,” Sehun sobbed.

“I know you can. Sehunnie … you're the strongest person I know.”

Sehun looked at him with teary eyes. “Really?”

“Yes, absolutely,” Luhan flashed him a bright, comforting smile. “What you had to live through would have destroyed so many other people, yet here you are. Alive and fighting.”

Sehun dropped his head on Luhan's shoulder and hugged him for a long time while sobs shook through. “Tha-Thank you, Luhan,” he whimpered. “Thank you so much!”

 

~

 

**7 months later:**

 

“Hey-yo, Sehunnie!” Luhan burst into Sehun's room with a bag full of popcorn, cake and presents. It was the younger's twenty-second birthday after all.

Sehun looked up from his bed where he was sitting while watching a movie. “Hi,” he grinned in a seemingly good mood today. A few small presents laid next him, already open. Had to be from the clinic's personnel or his parents who visited him earlier that day.

Luhan jumped towards him and kissed him passionately with lots of tongue and lip-biting. When he pulled back, both of them were panting. “Happy birthday, Sehunnie,” Luhan whispered and grinned. “I brought you lots of popcorn.”

“Yeay!”

“Buuuuut I will have to give most of it to the nurse later.”

“Oh, c'mon, Luhan! Why?” Sehun whined.

“Because the last time I brought you tons of that stuff you ate it all at once and then puked it out again. The nurses will give it to you over the next days.”

Sehun pouted. “But we still can eat some today, right? And watch a movie together?”

“Of course,” Luhan confirmed joyfully. He was so glad hearing this suggestion coming from the younger's mouth. It reminded both of them at the happy times before Sehun's aneurysm. Perhaps they could have this illusion of carefree happiness back some day. That's what they were hoping for at least. “But first we're gonna go for a walk.”

Sehun groaned. “Oh no, please. I've already been on one today with my parents.”

“We're not gonna discuss about this. You know that you have to walk more. Come on! Put on your socks and shoes. The weather is nice outside.”

Sehun sighed and leaned to the side to get his socks from a pile of clothing and proceeded to pull them over his hands.

“Sehunnie … They're socks, not gloves. Come on, you know how to do this right,” Luhan tried to say as unimpressed as possible. But the truth was that everything in him cramped in pain every time he had to witness something like this. Because there is probably nothing more heartbreaking and discouraging than watching a grown man struggle to put on his socks correctly.

Sehun bit his lower lips and thought for a moment with a concentrated expression on his face. He pulled the socks from his hands eventually put them on his feet successfully.

“Well done,” Luhan mumbled and helped his boyfriend to get up after he had stepped into his slippers.

They walked through the hallways with Sehun firmly gripping onto Luhan's arm. Sehun was still a little wobbly on his legs, but he made good progress over the past few months and could already walk small distances on his own again. He still required help or even his wheelchair for long distances, though. Sehun still had to think carefully about every step he wanted to make because the whole walking process wasn't re-automated in his brain. He was also limping a little because the half of his brain that had been more affected by the aneurysm made it more difficult for him to move one of his legs as well as the other. He didn't have that much control over that half of his body. Sometimes he would get random convulsions or his arm would act on its own. But the longer he visited the therapies, the more he regained control over that half of his brain and body again.

They only walked until the end of the hallway where there was a small balcony where they could sit down and enjoy the view of the little park next to the clinic. Sehun was exhausted and dropped on the bench immediately.

“You did well,” Luhan praised and sat next to him.

Sehun sighed. “I guess …”

“No really, you did well. Yesterday you were still struggling with that last part and now it worked. So you're making progress.”

“Not enough,” Sehun responded bitterly. He was always getting so frustrated with himself when he thought of what he once had been able to do but was now struggling to. Not even when he had his first aneurysm as a child he had been in a shape as bad as this time.

“There is no _enough_ in your case,” Luhan refuted. “Take as much time as you need.”

“Even if I do … I feel like I'm holding you back, Luhan.”

Startled, the latter turned towards Sehun. “Holding me back? Why?”

“Because I have to live here, I can't do anything properly, you have to spend all your time caring for me like I'm a little child. And sometimes I even act like one. I know I do … I feel like I'm robbing you of something.”

“Stop! Don't say stuff like that!” Luhan interrupted him. He couldn't stand hearing Sehun talking so badly about himself.

“But I mean it. I don't want you to waste your best years on me,” Sehun tried to explain with tears at the corners of his eyes. “I know that I am a burden; that you could be with someone better than me. And I don't want you to keep on being with me if it's just because you feel guilty or sorry.”

“Stop it, Sehunnie!” Luhan shouted with tears in his eyes. “That's not the reason! That's not the reason at all.”

Sehun turned his gaze to the floor. Now he made Luhan angry, too. _Great …_

“Look at me!” Luhan commanded. “I am here, I am willing to help you and support you because I love you. I love you more than anything else in this world. And what sort of love would it be if I left you at the moment you need me the most?! I will not leave you. Not now, not ever. So don't ever say something like this again. There isn't anyone out there better for me than you are. You are perfect for me, you are all that I want and need in this life. And nothing can change that.” 

Sehun's lower lip was quivering because he hadn't expected Luhan to dump such an emotional outburst on him.

“I was at your bed every night,” Luhan continued. “I was so scared, so afraid that you wouldn't wake up again. And I felt so stupid because it was almost as if I hadn't cherished you enough before. You were like an image of heaven in front of my eyes going up into flames and I was so scared that I would lose you forever. And I can't do that. When you were in coma I realized that I can't live without you. I _need_ you in my life. And I was so relieved when you woke up again. Even if you wouldn't have remembered me, I would have stayed by your side. Because I can't leave you. _I can't!_ ”

Sehun sobbed. “But what if I get another one? The doctors said that the risk for aneurysms rises with increasing age … What if it happens again?”

“Then I'm gonna be there,” Luhan affirmed. “If you get sick again, I will help you and support you with everything in my power. And if that means that I have to push you around in a wheelchair, I'm gonna do that. If it means that I have to help you put on your socks, I'm gonna do that. If it means that I have to repeat every word I say over and over again so that you understand me, I'm gonna do that. If it means that I have to feed you, I'm gonna do that. If it means that I have to do every single thing for you, I'm gonna do that. I am willing to sacrifice everything for you and you can't stop me from doing so. Because I can't let you die. And I can't leave you. I just love you too much!”

Silent tears were running down Sehun's cheeks when a warm, hopeful feeling blossomed in his chest. A small, sincere smile flashed across his lips. “See?” he said after a while with a trembling voice. “I told you I believe in you.”

And suddenly Luhan understood what the younger had once meant by that sentence. Sehun had known his paradise all along.

 

 

~  


 

 

There you have it. I hope you liked it despite the bittersweet ending. (I'm not gonna lie ... I cried a lot while writing this.)

Give kudos, bookmark and/or comment if you liked this story. (~>_>)~ I'm curious about what you guys think about the story.

You can also read it [HERE](http://selubration.livejournal.com/89959.html) on Livejournal and [HERE](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1171379/) on AFF.  


~ Freeza :D


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